Doug Clark: Professor Pilgrim weighs in on turnips, herbs and Apple bashes
Cover your giblets, ladies and germs. It’s time for another edition of America’s favorite Thanksgiving Day advice column: Ask Professor Pilgrim.
Before the professor starts addressing your concerns, we’ll take a moment like we always do to announce the following holiday closures:
Well, whataya know.
A rafter of money-grubber merchants is keeping the doors open on Thanksgiving this year.
Oh, wait a minute. There is one closure.
But everyone already knows about the Obamacare website tomfoolery.
So let the answering begin …
Q: By my calculations, this is the eighth year of Ask Professor Pilgrim. Any secret to explain such longevity?
A: No secret at all. It boils down to my three main attributes.
Q: Which are?
A: Sloth, fatigue and a chronic lack of ambition.
Q: For which we are all grateful. But let’s get back to Thanksgiving.
A: It’s about time.
Q: Half my dinner guests this year are rabid Cougar fans. The other half love the Huskies. Any advice on how to keep Apple Cup arguments from spoiling Thanksgiving?
A: Placing a chicken wire fence down the middle of the table should do the trick.
Q: It should stop the insults?
A: No. But it should stop the beer bottles that Wazzu football fans tend to start tossing whenever they get drunk.
Q: I heard that blustery weather could affect the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade this year. Is that true?
A: Yes. In fact, parade organizers already had to pull the Paula Deen float.
Q: Paula Deen has her own float?
A: It’s the really large one wearing a sheet.
Q: That’s a truly insensitive joke, Professor Pilgrim.
A: Why, thank you. Before we go any farther I’d like to give a shout-out to my pal Tom Sherry, the KREM-TV weather dude.
Q: Good idea. His annual Tom’s Turkey Drive brought in 11,000 turkey dinners this year. That’s amazing, huh?
A: Yes it is. I’m just glad that we all talked him out of the original charity idea he had.
Q: What was that?
A: Tom’s Turnip Drive.
Q: Yeah, nobody would have backed that one. By the way, Professor, do you have any thoughts on the perfect stuffing?
A: Sandra Bullock in that white dress she’s wearing on the cover of the latest “Entertainment Weekly” isn’t half-bad.
Q: No. Not that kind of stuffing. I meant: What’s your idea of the perfect turkey stuffing?
A: Well, any recipe will be a winner if it has enough of the right herb.
A: No. Mary Jane. You know, the herb Washington voters legalized.
Q: You’re saying you put pot in the turkey stuffing?
A: Professor Pilgrim has been known to put pot in his banana cream pie filling.
Q: But won’t that ruin the taste?
A: Perhaps. But it definitely makes the family a whole lot easier to tolerate.
Q: Speaking of dinner guests, what accommodations should I make for the vegetarians or vegans who show up?
A: The L&S method never fails.
A: “Lie and Serve,” if you must know.
Q: Are you saying you lie to your vegetarian guests about what they’re eating?
A: Sure. There’s nothing funnier than seeing a vegetarian scarf up the tofu (sausage) gravy.
Q: But what about the turkey?
A: Most people overcook their bird so much that it looks more like an old tire than meat.
Q: Point taken. But what if eating it makes a vegetarian sick?
A: Aw, nobody’s ever died from the turkey trots.
Q: How can you live with yourself, professor?
A: Easy if you’ve got enough pie filling.
Doug Clark can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or firstname.lastname@example.org.