The Slice: Just be careful no one spits in your eye

We all know this is a busy season.

You have a lot on your mind.

But there’s a way you can increase your efficiency and save time.

When people ask you a question, whether at work or at home, don’t waste time racking your brain trying to come up with an answer. Just reply with a Mr. Potter line from “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

It’s easy. There’s one to suit practically any occasion or circumstance.

Here, I’ll show you.

Someone says: “May I borrow your stapler?”

You answer: “Look at you. You used to be so cocky. You were going to go out and conquer the world. You once called me a warped, frustrated old man! What are you but a warped, frustrated young man? A miserable little clerk crawling in here on your hands and knees and begging for help. No securities, no stocks, no bonds, nothin’ but a miserable little $500 equity in a life insurance policy. You’re worth more dead than alive. Why don’t you go to the riffraff you love so much and ask them to let you borrow a stapler. You know why? Because they’d run you out of town on a rail.”

Someone says: “Want to hear about my Thanksgiving night shopping adventure?”

You answer: “Is it a woman you’re involved with? It’s all over town that you’ve been giving money to Violet Bick.”

Someone says: “Did you hear that Bill Brasky is retiring?”

You answer: “He was a man of high ideals, so called. Ideals without common sense can ruin this town.”

Someone says: “What’s new?”

You answer: “The Bailey family has been a boil on my neck long enough.”

Someone says: “How’s it going?”

You answer: “I am an old man, and most people hate me. But I don’t like them either so that makes it all even.”

And, of course, the classic Potterism doesn’t even need a question to provide an opening.

Someone says: “Merry Christmas.”

You answer: “And Happy New Year to you, in jail!”

Today’s Slice question: If you had a nickel for every time you have heard the music from “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” how much money would you have?