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The Slice: Before hiring, be sure to agree on core values

Fri., Oct. 4, 2013, midnight

I am thinking of asking a couple of little boys who live across the street from us if they want to earn some money by picking up apples in our backyard.

But before extending this job offer, I’d like Slice readers to look over the following conditions of employment. Please let me know if there is anything I overlooked.

Compensation: Terms of payment shall be established prior to work commencing. That agreement shall be considered binding and will not be open to renegotiation should one or more members of the workforce subsequently decide that picking up apples “is boring.”

Strike policy: Agreeing to pick up the apples shall be interpreted as a promise not to engage in unauthorized work stoppages and/or picketing.

Social media: Employees shall not stop to send Twitter messages while apple collecting is in progress. Snide Facebook messages concerning employer will be grounds for dismissal.

Employer liability: Employer shall not be held liable for owies, tummy aches or temporary amnesia. Nor shall the employer be deemed in actionable violation of the workers’ rights if he says “I’ll give you something to cry about.”

Snacks: Employer shall provide treats (subject to approval of workers’ parents).

Menacing fauna: Employer shall not be held responsible for injuries (including but not limited to bites and scratches) caused by his neighbor’s cat.

“You’ll put your eye out” clause: Should workers decide to throw fallen apples at the employer they are hereby forewarned that he will return fire with vigor.

Collective bargaining: Employer recognizes workers’ right to organize but will not entertain discussion of a benefits package including more than the agreed-upon wages and aforementioned snacks.

Pension: Not applicable.

Performance evaluation: Employer shall let employees know if he thinks they are doing a decent job.

Work environment: Employer pledges to not tell stories that begin “Why, when I was your age …”

Overtime: Not applicable.

Vacations: Vacation (unpaid) starts right after the apples are gathered up.

Today’s Slice question: Any reasons why longtime married couples should not go grocery shopping together?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email Pumpkin flavor: Yes or no?

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