Today we present Part Three of Couch Slouch’s two-part series on the folly of college football. Well, I guess it’s a sequel to my two-part series earlier this fall – I just hope it ends better than “The Godfather Part III.”
Have you noticed the rate of criminal activity among football student-athletes of late? In recent years, you’re more likely to find these fellows in a courtroom than a weight room.
Actually, sometimes they’re in the courtroom for stealing something from the weight room.
I’m willing to wager that if you took the average Pac-12 or Southeastern Conference football program and you took the average group of molecular biology majors at one of those schools, the rate of arrests would be higher per capita for the undergraduates in helmets and pads.
Just last week, an Appalachian State wide receiver, Sean Price, was arrested in Boone, N.C., charged with felony assault.
Then again, Appalachian State is making the step up from Football Championship Subdivision to Football Bowl Subdivision in 2014, so in anticipation of the move to a prime-time program, it makes sense that one of the team’s stars would have a run-in with the law.
In all fairness, I must point out that Appalachian State coach Scott Satterfield, rather than suspend Price for the requisite game – or, in the case of Texas A&M, the requisite half – dismissed him from the team.
Elsewhere last week, Oklahoma wide receiver Trey Metoyer was charged with felony indecent exposure and suspended indefinitely from the team.
To keep up with all Division I criminal malfeasance, I click on ArrestNation.com,* a treasure trove of college-sports police activity, sort of the Encyclopedia Britannica of athletic arrests.
* Sometimes I make up stuff for the column; I’m not making this up. Heck, if there is a Web site dedicated to the evolution of toilets, why wouldn’t there be one dedicated to fullbacks-turned-felons?
(Column Intermission: Yes, you can say “Kansas City Chiefs” and “Team of Destiny” in the same breath. How do I do it? I have clarity of vision seldom seen in a man with failed Lasik surgery. Some of you may recall one of my Teams of Destiny, the 1999 Indianapolis Colts, went from 3-13 to 13-3, so why can’t the cuddly Chiefs go from 2-14 to, say, 14-2?)
I also have an app on my smartphone that notifies me every time a college athlete is in custody ** – boy oh boy, that sound alert goes off so often, I had to switch it to vibrator to avoid interrupting business calls and big games.
** Okay, this one I’m making up.
Now, I’d like to provide readers with a complete list of NCAA – and NFL – arrests this year, but due to space considerations and environmental concerns, I cannot.
But let me give a special shout-out to Washington State, which, since January, has had players arrested for a DUI, for underage possession of alcohol, for public intoxication and third-degree theft, for assault and battery and for a hit-and-run, plus another cited for providing police with a false name and birthdate.
A WSU player even got arrested earlier this on second-degree assault for an alleged locker-room fight.
By the way, the WSU player charged with theft was arrested after allegedly shoving two bottles of tequila down his trousers at a grocery store; this is exceedingly dumb, practically speaking, in terms of limiting your mobility for a getaway. Plus, when I was at Maryland, I always found tequila tasted better through a straw than through a pants pocket.
In related jurisprudence, Florida linebacker Antonio Morrison was suspended for the first game this season for two arrests, including one in which he was collared for barking at a police dog.
In his defense, I don’t know if I want to live in a world in which it’s a crime for talking to a canine in his native language.
Come to think of it, maybe some Division I football scholars are majoring in criminal justice and earn class credits serving time in jail.
Ask The Slouch
Q. What NFL rule change would you like to see for the health of the game? (Thomas Hillman; Seattle)
A. I believe the goal posts should extend to the height of the Sears Tower so we can be absolutely sure whether field goal attempts are good or not.
Q. What portion of his 1,000-word letter to Redskins season-ticket holders do you believe Dan Snyder wrote himself? (Greg Schmidt; Charlottesville, Va.)
A. I have it on good authority that he signed his name, without assistance.
Q. Should Texas fire Mack Brown for ruining its plan to fire him? (Mark Cohen; Gibsonia, Pa.)
A. Brown should fire himself, then take a TV studio gig and criticize his decision to fire himself.
Q. Who made the biggest mistake during the MLB postseason, the Detroit Tigers having Prince Fielder protect Miguel Cabrera in the batting lineup or Joe Buck agreeing to broadcast the games with Tim McCarver? (J.B. Koch; Macomb, Mich.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!