The last week or so has seen a depressing run of news here in the Spokane area.
But don’t despair. As you’ll hopefully deduce from the following actual recent news items I’ve assembled, we’re still living in a Lilac Wonderland when you compare us to some of the bizarre stuff going on elsewhere.
Consider the comforting evidence:
A panicked Oregon teenager calls 911 after discovering a “massive freaking spider” crawling around her bedroom at her Forest Grove home.
Spokane hasn’t had a massive freaking spider problem since April 2012, when Mayor David Condon made good on his campaign promise to evict Assistant City Attorney Rocky Treppiedi from his City Hall lair.
Police bust David Wayne Jordan, a 36-year-old Bellingham man, for allegedly attempting to launch a pot-packed arrow into the Whatcom County Jail.
Here at the Spokane County Jail, dope-smuggling visitors and inmates have the good sense to stick to those tried-and-true methods that won’t put an eye out. Namely stuffing certain body cavities and letting nature take its course.
Residents of Colcord, Okla., are warned by authorities to not drink, cook or brush their teeth because of an infestation of blood worms that have contaminated the rural town’s water supply.
The Spokane area’s drinking water remains blessedly blood worm-free thanks to our sparkling vast Rathdrum Prairie Aquifer and a dose of bug-killing diesel from the leaky BNSF refueling depot near Hauser.
The you-know-what hits the fan and Tennessee sheriff’s Lt. Andy Jackson earns a reprimand from his superiors after he fires his handgun in an attempt to stop a miscreant turkey from pooping on a Maury County police car.
Turkeys on the Spokane City Council are mercifully all toilet-trained, although they do shoot their mouths off with harmless regularity.
A yawning sinkhole opens at a major intersection in Toledo, Ohio, swallowing a moving car and briefly trapping the driver.
No auto-gobbling sinkholes in Spokane County. We do, however, have that money pit racetrack near Airway Heights, but the public so far has had the good sense to steer clear of that County Commission-created disaster.
An animal-loving woman pays extra to pet and feed a black rhino at the Denver Zoo only to wind up with a painful surprise when the rare beast chomps one of her fingers.
Spokane’s world-famous Keyboard Cat – inducted last week into the Cat Video Hall of Fame at the Minnesota State Fair – still enjoys a 100 percent track record of never disappointing, let alone biting, a single fan.
Police arrest partially clothed Emily Craig and Shaun Bowden, shirtless with his pants around his knees, for allegedly having sex inside a Home Depot display in North Charleston, S.C.
Steeped in traditional family values, Spokane still regards sex as a private and personal matter between a consenting adult and her on-duty sheriff’s deputy.