Today The Slice presents a transcript of an exclusive interview with a Spokane dog who, speaking on behalf of all Inland Northwest canines, wanted to pre-emptively go on record about the unlikelihood that area pooches will be eating any homework this fall.
You won’t believe what this pet had to say.
Slice: So you contend it never happens?
Spokesdog: Let’s just say it is exceedingly rare. Homework doesn’t taste good. Even with gravy.
Slice: How do feel about children who finger you for the crime?
Spokesdog: Look, you’re not going to get me to say anything bad about little kids. We dogs live by a code. But let’s face it. Some children should be worried about that whole pants-on-fire thing.
Slice: Well, why then do kids say “The dog ate my homework!”?
Spokesdog: They know we will not testify against them. And I suppose there is an element of plausibility as some of us are hearty eaters with less than discriminating palates.
Slice: I don’t suppose it is pleasant to be falsely accused.
Spokesdog: Look, dogs have feelings, too, you know. But we understand the pressure kids are under. They want to have lives like ours. You know, run around and holler. Take a nap. Have a snack. Then run around some more. Instead, they have to go to school. It’s rough.
Slice: Do innocent dogs ever actually get punished subsequent to these allegations?
Spokesdog: Nah. Parents aren’t dopes. Besides, they realize the kid was supposed to have done the homework on a laptop. Maybe little boys and girls ought to update this excuse. You know, “Blackie logged on to my computer and erased all my school files!”
Slice: Any other advice for young scholars who find themselves a bit behind in their course work?
Spokesdog: I suggest asserting that the cat ate their homework. All they need to do is find the nearest hairball and say “Mom! That was my arithmetic worksheet!” I’d buy it in a second.
Slice: Any other ways dogs can help kids cope with school?
Spokesdog: Love. Listening. It’s what we do best.
Today’s Slice question: How many hamburgers and hot dogs have you eaten since Memorial Day?