September 2, 2013 in Features

The Slice: Lesson learned: It’s not dog’s fault

By The Spokesman-Review
 

Today The Slice presents a transcript of an exclusive interview with a Spokane dog who, speaking on behalf of all Inland Northwest canines, wanted to pre-emptively go on record about the unlikelihood that area pooches will be eating any homework this fall.

You won’t believe what this pet had to say.

Slice: So you contend it never happens?

Spokesdog: Let’s just say it is exceedingly rare. Homework doesn’t taste good. Even with gravy.

Slice: How do feel about children who finger you for the crime?

Spokesdog: Look, you’re not going to get me to say anything bad about little kids. We dogs live by a code. But let’s face it. Some children should be worried about that whole pants-on-fire thing.

Slice: Well, why then do kids say “The dog ate my homework!”?

Spokesdog: They know we will not testify against them. And I suppose there is an element of plausibility as some of us are hearty eaters with less than discriminating palates.

Slice: I don’t suppose it is pleasant to be falsely accused.

Spokesdog: Look, dogs have feelings, too, you know. But we understand the pressure kids are under. They want to have lives like ours. You know, run around and holler. Take a nap. Have a snack. Then run around some more. Instead, they have to go to school. It’s rough.

Slice: Do innocent dogs ever actually get punished subsequent to these allegations?

Spokesdog: Nah. Parents aren’t dopes. Besides, they realize the kid was supposed to have done the homework on a laptop. Maybe little boys and girls ought to update this excuse. You know, “Blackie logged on to my computer and erased all my school files!”

Slice: Any other advice for young scholars who find themselves a bit behind in their course work?

Spokesdog: I suggest asserting that the cat ate their homework. All they need to do is find the nearest hairball and say “Mom! That was my arithmetic worksheet!” I’d buy it in a second.

Slice: Any other ways dogs can help kids cope with school?

Spokesdog: Love. Listening. It’s what we do best.

Today’s Slice question: How many hamburgers and hot dogs have you eaten since Memorial Day?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. There is no “b” in “swimmer’s itch.”


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