September 10, 2013 in Features

The Slice: Fall is truly all about festivals

By The Spokesman-Review
 
The Spokesman-Review photo

Paul Turner, Spokesman-Review columnist.
(Full-size photo)

Are you ready for the upcoming fall festival season in the Inland Northwest?

Take the following True/False quiz and find out.

Trying to eat half your weight in German sausage is an excellent idea.

The mustard on your Polish dog isn’t really zesty unless it would reduce a metal spoon to a molten puddle.

To truly enjoy the autumnal goodness of draft beer, your glass should be the size of a Cold War Civil Defense water barrel.

Lederhosen are surprisingly slimming.

All women look quite fetching in those low-scoop St. Pauli Girl tops.

If you do not black out after the second sip, the cider is for sissies.

At a sauerkraut feed, it’s not a good idea to sit next to someone shifting his weight from one butt cheek to the other.

“U Pick” means “Strip the trees like the kids in ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ taking the lights and ornaments off Snoopy’s doghouse.”

People who disagree about how to write Green Bluff/Greenbluff should not date.

You should have your oil changed after eating 10 pounds of sausage.

It’s OK to consume fair food if you are certain to throw up on a ride.

Foliage is pronounced foh-lee-ij, not foil-age.

Not everyone will regard singing “Deutschesfest, Deutschesfest uber alles” as being in good taste.

Pumpkin double-entendres wear out their welcome in a hurry. Same goes for most gourd imagery.

“Autumn” is a better name than “Fruitpie” for a baby girl born on the first day of fall.

If someone at a sausagefest has been locked in a portable toilet for longer than half an hour, it could be time to call for the jaws of life.

Spokane area vegetarians can be said to violate their dietary ethos just from standing downwind of the vat o’ pork.

It’s “caramel apple,” not “carmel apple.”

Halloween didn’t used to be a six-week marathon of merchandising.

OK, how did you answer those?

Hey, you were right. You are hereby authorized to attend fall festivals.

Be sure to ask for extra napkins.

Today’s Slice question: What’s something about which you alone are angry?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Informing a guy that he has gone bald is usually not necessary.

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