Where is David Stern when you need him? In 2011, he vetoed a three-team deal that would’ve sent Chris Paul to the Lakers because he determined it wasn’t in the best interests of the league-owned New Orleans Hornets at the time.
So how is it in the best interest of the league now to have Phil Jackson running the Knicks and Jeanie Buss running the Lakers? There’s this really tall new commissioner, Adam Silver, who looks really small if he’s going to permit the engaged lovebirds to run different teams from the same king-sized bed.
Should anyone here present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.
Uh, yeah, over here, Mr. Officiant.
It’s called CONFLICT OF INTEREST.
If the NBA is going to allow Phil and Jeanie to run their competing teams under the same skylight, at the very least the commissioner must disallow their impending marriage.
Engagement off. Rings returned. End of story.
Phil and Jeanie are the oddest power couple in America. Two years ago, they replaced their alarm clocks with shot clocks; now they’re each sleeping with the enemy. Frankly, I think it takes a lot of romance out of the relationship when pillow talk revolves around the mid-level exception.
Sure, the league might ban them from discussing league issues at home, but what do you think they’re texting about all day, whether to set up the wedding registry at Bed Bath & Beyond or Big & Tall? Please. In fact, Couch Slouch has obtained recent Phil and Jeanie texts; you be the judge.
Here are Phil’s texts to Jeanie:
“Just saw what Cabrera got from the Tigers – maybe I should’ve held out for $15m a year.”
“If we ever go on a honeymoon, I’ll show you the triangle offense like you’ve never seen it before.”
“Did I forget my replacement hip on the nightstand? Can’t find it in my carry-on.”
“Suggested to Jimmy Dolan that he bring back Marv Albert. He looked at me like I was Isiah Thomas on LSD.”
“Every meeting here is a disaster – it reminds me of when I was a Bulls assistant, listening to Doug Collins during timeouts.”
“Next time you see your brother, let him know that as a second-generation NBA owner, he makes a very good drinking buddy.”
“Why don’t you and Jimmy swap out your D-League team for your NBA team and see if Jack even notices.”
“The bagels here are primo. Never going to Noah’s again.”
“You really turn me on when you talk sign-and-trade agreements.”
“What are the chances of this? Went to the movies at 84th and Broadway and sat behind Shumpert – couldn’t see a thing.”
“Did I leave my Tibetan lemongrass incense sticks in Playa last weekend?”
And here are Jeanie’s texts to Phil:
“Enjoy Jimmy Dolan. He makes my brother look like Branch Rickey.”
“You’re always so contrarian – why don’t you suggest the Knicks move to New Jersey?”
“Speaking of contrarian, why don’t you hire Mike D’Antoni as your coach? LOL.”
“Do you know what I love most about you? Tim Hardaway Jr. Would be a great, belated Valentine’s Day gift.”
“Bad news, honey – Piers Morgan got canceled. You’ve got to watch Rachel Maddow with me now.”
“Ran into Coach D’Antoni at the supermarket earlier – he tried to check out in the express lane with, like, 35 items.”
“You really turn me on when you talk amnesty clause.”
“Can’t wait till we get back to the ranch in Montana. I adore it when you yell, ‘Geronimo!’ before jumping into the hot tub.”
“Tex Winter called – he says he left his Rolodex in your car last week.”
“Don’t forget to bring home sourdough bread, 2% organic milk and limoncello. It’s Salary Cap Saturday, sweetie!”
Ask The Slouch
Q. The Mets’ Daniel Murphy missed the first two games of the season on “paternity leave.” It’s 2014 – shouldn’t he have played and just watched his wife give birth via Skype? (Steve Jacobs; Albany, N.Y.)
A. I remember once my father went out to get some Muriel Coronellas at the corner store and never came back – now, that was paternity leave.
Q. Do you consider Daniel Snyder and DeSean Jackson to be a good fit? Or is it just a bad marriage of convenience? (Gerald Hirsch; Spokane)
A. The deal clincher, I’m told, is that to honor Jackson’s heritage, Snyder will change the team name to the Washington Cripskins.
Q. The Nationals sent “cash considerations” to the White Sox for a pitcher. How is that different from “cash”? (Stephen Knack; Washington, D.C.)
A. “Cash considerations” might involve PayPal and/or a bagman.
Q. If the NCAA officials refereed a wedding receiving line, how long would it take for the bride and groom to foul out? (Scott D. Shuster; Watertown, Mass.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Norman Chad is a syndicated columnist. You, too, can enter his $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email email@example.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
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