Getting over loss of child, keeping marriage intact
Dear Mr. Dad: Our 5-year-old daughter passed away recently. My wife and I are both struggling with grief and it is causing distance between us. We barely speak and when we do, it’s just to argue. Now I’m worried about losing our marriage as well. How can we get through this pain and keep it together?
A. I am deeply sorry for your loss. The death of a child must be one of the most painful experiences anyone can have, and the repercussions can challenge even the strongest of marriages. If you haven’t already done so, it’s important that you and your wife find a counselor who has experience working with parents who have lost children. For the rest of this column I’m going to share some of the advice I heard from experts in this area, including Melanie Davis, who wrote about losing her 7-month-old daughter to SIDS in “The Triumph Book: Stories of Tragedy Turned into Triumph.”
Since your loss is recent, you’ll most likely experience what some in the bereavement world refer to as the Seven Stages of Grief: Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression, acceptance and hope. (These are similar to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages, which applied to people coping with their own impending death.) See http://www.stages- of-grief-recovery.com/ 7-stages-of-grief.html.
While what you’re going through may be causing distance between you and your wife right now, being aware of these stages is a good first step toward reaching a place where you can understand each other. Each of you will be able to recognize where the other is, and that should give you some common ground. Keep in mind, though, that despite being called stages, not everyone goes through them in order or at the same speed, and not everyone goes through all of them at all.
Davis says that she and her husband got through the unexpected loss of their child and came out on the other side with a stronger marriage than before. She says the key to their success was intentionally deciding not to criticize or question one another’s grief process. They knew that this experience would be the most excruciating of their lives, not just as a couple, but as individuals.
Davis says, “By building a safe space within the walls of our home, where we could grieve without judgment, we became each other’s protectors, instead of accusers. The loss of our daughter, Brynn, was the hardest on me. She was 7 months old and still nursing. Steve, my husband, showed as much sadness to see me in pain as he felt over our daughter’s death. Deep down, that compassion made me feel greater love for him, even though I couldn’t express it in the midst of my sorrow. Steve’s willingness to watch over me from near or far was an incredible security. In the end, I healed faster than Steve and later I had to be the one to give him space to still be angry long after I had accepted and found peace in my loss.”
When I asked Davis how this made her marriage stronger than before, she said that when you go through something so painful and difficult, you can choose to let it drive you apart or to allow the experience to bring you closer than before.
As painful as it is, it is still a choice. I hope you’ll share this article with your wife and, together, choose to keep your marriage intact, no matter how rough the road may be. Everyone I spoke with agreed that eventually, it will get better.