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The Slice: Lights at the end of the rebuttal

I ask myself, how can I make the season bright for someone?

And I have come up with an answer.

I’ll invite a reader to accompany my family some evening this month as we drive around and check out holiday lights.

What could go wrong?

Look, I really like the couple I met after volunteering to pick up after someone’s dog.

And the folks I encountered when helping a reader rake leaves were delightful.

So why not go for a 2014 hat trick?

If you would like to apply for The Slice’s ride-along program, just provide answers to the following questions and get them to me by the end of this week.

Are you, to at least some extent, a shut-in?

Do you think you could resist the urge to shout in my ear, “TURN HERE, TURN HERE, TURN HERE”?

When I arrive at your place to pick you up, will you ask if your dogs can ride along?

Once we get rolling are you going to say, “Mind if I smoke?”

How much do you enjoy checking out neighborhood holiday lights displays?

If we pick up coffees or hot chocolates, are you apt to spill yours?

Are you prone to burst into song?

Will you cordially comply with my request that you fasten your seatbelt?

Will you get mad if I ask you to stop kicking the seat?

Do you view this as a golden opportunity to remind me in person about my 50 most egregious lapses in taste during your 20-plus years of reading The Slice?

To what extent does your apparel smell like reefer?

If you come down with Spokanthrax shortly before our planned outing, will you contact me so we can reschedule?

What’s your personal record for the number of times in one hour you have said “I’ve seen better”?

If you have applied for other Slice-interactive opportunities and have yet to be selected, how upset are you going to be if you aren’t picked this time either?

Would you like to hear my impression of an exasperated Charlie Brown crying out “Lights and display contest!”?

Today’s Slice question: Did your family help you stick to your diet or repeatedly demonstrate obliviousness about changes you were trying to make?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Feel free to note Jane Austen’s birthday today by naming a new pet after one of her characters.

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