Chuchi’s Yuki gives Slouch inside on Westminster
The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is a four-legged Woodstock; better yet, rather than a once-in-a-lifetime experience, it’s a once-a-year ritual. Dogs come from all over the world for the chance at canine fame and getting their mug on CNBC and USA networks.
Once again, intrepid Siberian husky Chuchi’s Yuki kept an exclusive journal for Couch Slouch on his week in New York:
Wednesday: Forget the Super Bowl, this event should be called Westminster CXXXVIII. … What a melting pot – where else would a German shepherd and a Persian cat share the sidewalk? … What humans don’t know about dog nutrition could fill a book. … I better not hear that Chris Christie is blocking traffic to Petco. … One of the beagles has a painting of dog owners playing poker. …
I’m never right if I miss my afternoon nap.
Thursday: I love the Garden, but it’s hard to miss the stench that the Knicks leave behind. … If I weren’t competing at Westminster, I’d watch the telecast just for the commercials. … Late at night, some of the Irish terriers try to sneak into St. Patrick’s and drink the holy water. … Rin Tin Tin never would’ve made it in high def. … If Donald Trump were my owner, I’d run to a shelter in a New York minute. …
The dog collar, like the necktie, is so 1980s.
Friday: French toast, French fries: Oui. French poodle, French bulldog: Non. … I see Bloomberg’s finally gone. Maybe this new mayor will care more about dog parks than bike lanes. … Like the Red Sox, the Boston terrier grew a beard this season. … I expect Pope Francis to canonize a canine, to give the St. Bernard some company. … I hate when I pee and then step in it – nobody’s fault but my own. …
Purina Puppy Chow is still my go-to comfort food.
Saturday: New this year: The agility championship, which will allow “mixed breeds.” Hey, who we kidding? They’re mutts. … You want agility competition? Try getting through the NYC subways at rush hour. … Speaking of mixed breeds, who let the Labradoodles in through the side door here? … Truth be known, I had a one-night stand with this mangy mutt the day after I graduated obedience school. … Check the birth certificate – I’ll lay you 5-1 my owner’s a “mixed breed.”
It’s a shame the best Russian wolfhounds stayed home for the Sochi Olympics.
Sunday: Take away Central Park, and where is a pooch to poop in this concrete jungle? … So glad to see they used union dog actors in those Budweiser Super Bowl spots. … Say what you will about the president, but flea collars are covered by Obamacare. … That U.S. military working dog the Taliban says it captured? Guarantee you he outsmarts ’em. … I thought Peyton Manning had a great season, considering he’s 259 years old. …
So many fire hydrants, so little time.
Monday: I wish Joey Crawford were here – he’d T up that yapping Shih Tzu in a heartbeat. … Carlos Millan is a nice fella, but I’m not falling for his big smile/soft touch, drink-the-Kool-Aid approach. … We sleep on the floor and they sleep on the bed. Payback’s gonna be a bitch in the afterlife, my two-legged friends. … I love New York City dogs who say, “Cold, schmold. I gotta go out and pee.”… Twitter is canine friendly: It’s so easy to type, “Woof, woof!”
I wonder if the NSA if monitoring this diary.
Tuesday: Frankly, barking at the postal carrier every day releases a lot of tension. … There’s an English pointer here that looks like it has been to, ahem, an “anti-aging clinic.”… I don’t follow it that closely and I’m not partisan, but those Republicans are one crazy bunch of humans. … Kale salad in a can? Please. … On the sidewalk outside the arena, I saw a greyhound selling fake Prada leashes, fake Gucci collars and fake Tiffany water bowls. …
Forget morning TV. If I win, I’m going on “The Daily Show.”
Ask The Slouch
Winter Olympics edition
Q. If chess becomes an Olympic event, would it be in the Summer or Winter Games? (Gary Mitrisin; South Euclid, Ohio)
A. Chess can be played outdoors or indoors, but the Winter Games are more in need of a real sport, so Pyeongchang here we come!
Q. You’re pretty active on Twitter, but I haven’t seen any tweets about the Sochi Games. (Joel Ruben; Fairfax, Va.)
A. I record every Winter Olympics and plan to watch all of them while in purgatory.
Q. Are your sportswriting colleagues in Sochi more interested in hotel pillows and bathrooms or in actually covering the Olympics? (C.J. Wright; Parkersburg, W.Va.)
A. Old proverb: A sportswriter without room service is like a gravedigger without a shovel.
Q. When Shaun White pulled out of the Olympic slopestyle event, how did that impact your viewing schedule? (Michelle Lyons; Indianapolis)
A. You just made me Google “slopestyle.”
Norman Chad is a syndicated columnist. You, too, can enter his $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email firstname.lastname@example.org and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!