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The Slice: Well, aloha to you, too, showoff

Here are 21 things you can say to someone who has just informed you that he or she is about to go to Hawaii.

1. “Quitter.”

2. “If they lose your luggage, it will probably go to Japan.”

3. “I hope your plane does not plummet into the deep Pacific Ocean.”

4. “That’s a long flight. Better wear compression socks.”

5. “Well, I guess they do those things.”

6. “Too bad you won’t look like Burt Lancaster in his swimsuit scene in ‘From Here to Eternity.’ ”

7. “Was it Zulu as Kono or Kono as Zulu?”

8. “Does your house have a security system?”

9. “Hope your seatmate is sane. What’s that, 20 hours?”

10. “Just don’t get ‘Mele Kalikimaka’ stuck in your head.”

11. “Hope you won’t miss the best skiing of the season here.”

12. “Remember, the shaka sign is different from that gesture Spokane drivers use.”

13. “I’m sure your preschoolers will travel well.”

14. “Any sharknadoes in the forecast?”

15. “Will you be laying it on extra-thick with the authentic place-name pronunciations when you get back?”

16. “Good grief, Pineapple. Does 2014 already have you back on your heels?”

17. “Chances are, there probably won’t be a tsunami.”

18. “You can afford to do that at winter rates and yet I’ll bet you are still cheap enough to want me to drive you to the airport.”

19. “Are some grass skirts made out of marijuana?”

20. “Too bad you won’t look like George Clooney in ‘The Descendants.’ ”

21. “If you don’t visit the USS Arizona Memorial, I will be forced to reconsider our friendship.”

Today’s Slice question: You know how when a baseball player hits a home run in the first game of the season, someone always quips that he is on pace to hit 162 over the season? Sure. Well, based on the number of times you did something Wednesday, how many times are you on track to do that in 2014?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. How many young men in the Spokane area should listen to Dean Wormer’s advice to Flounder?


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