Doug Clark: Having a hot time in Spokane this summer, or is it just a shade slow?
Is your summer raging like a “Planet of the Apes” sequel?
Or does it suck more than the Garbage Goat?
Find out today by taking my annual quiz to determine whether your summer is a bummer or a stunner.
Answer the following nine multiple-choice questions by circling the letter that best suits your state of affairs. (Preferably with a soothing, cool green Crayola.)
We will tabulate your scores at the end of the exam to see whether your level of pent-up hostility is Spokane normal or constitutes a threat to public safety.
Let the self-awareness begin.
1. The Summer of 2014 will be remembered for marking such municipal milestones as …
A. The 40th anniversary of Expo ’74 – 2 lemonade Slurpees.
B. The 25th anniversary of 4,000 Holes – 5 lemonade Slurpees.
C. Three-day average between police shootings – 10 lemonade Slurpees.
2. I’ve been communing more with nature this summer by …
A. Toasting plump marshmallows over a campfire – 2 lemonade Slurpees.
B. Grilling fat fish that I caught at the lake – 5 lemonade Slurpees.
C. Smoking bags of bodacious doobage that I scored at the new legal weed store – 10 lemonade Slurpees.
3. More Spokane County residents are enjoying time off this summer, thanks to …
A. Saved vacation days – 2 lemonade Slurpees.
B. Baby boomer retirements – 5 lemonade Slurpees.
C. Being put on administrative leave by Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich – 10 lemonade Slurpees.
4. Fill in the blank in the sentence: To relax, I spent most of the summer in a (blank) garden.
A. Flower – 2 lemonade Slurpees.
B. Vegetable – 5 lemonade Slurpees.
C. Beer – 10 lemonade Slurpees.
5. Summer, they say, is the perfect time of year for curling up and reading …
A. A literary classic – 2 lemonade Slurpees.
B. A trashy bestseller – 5 lemonade Slurpees.
C. Get real. Nobody I know has read more than 140 characters at a time since Twitter came along – 10 lemonade Slurpees.
6. Name the summer event that drew the area’s biggest crowd.
A. Ironman – 2 lemonade Slurpees.
B. Hoopfest – 5 lemonade Slurpees.
C. Amnesty Day for downtown parking scofflaws – 10 lemonade Slurpees.
7. With temperatures still soaring, health professionals say it’s extremely important to …
A. Eat light foods – 2 lemonade Slurpees.
B. Avoid direct sunlight – 5 lemonade Slurpees.
C. Keep your dog away from armed Coeur d’Alene cops – 10 lemonade Slurpees.
8. Nothing sucks the fun out of summer like hearing:
A. What? We have to wait four whole years for another soccer World Cup? – 2 lemonade Slurpees.
B. Parking boots are back in Spokane – 5 lemonade Slurpees.
C. Ballots begin going out today to voters across Washington – 10 lemonade Slurpees.
9. Please finish the sentence: I believe that legally selling marijuana in Spokane this summer will, in the long run, turn out to be …
A. An economic boon – 2 lemonade Slurpees.
B. A short-lived bust – 5 lemonade Slurpees.
C. The recline of civilization as we know it – 10 lemonade Slurpees.
OK. Let’s see how you fared.
Anyone scoring 21 lemonade Slurpees or less is dull, drab and humor-impaired. Tell the truth. You probably can’t wait for that primary ballot to arrive.
Scoring above 50 shows that there is some hope for you. Get out there and show summer who’s the boss by taking a slow, naked stroll to the nearest weed store.
For those who scored 90 or close to it, I salute you. You don’t need my help to enjoy the Summer of 2014.
Now get back to that beer garden!
Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at firstname.lastname@example.org.