June 24, 2014 in Features

The Slice: Small-town reminders cut close to home

By The Spokesman-Review
 
The Spokesman-Review photo

Paul Turner, Spokesman-Review columnist.
(Full-size photo)

Despite what some say, Spokane is not a small town.

But there’s something that happens here that can make it seem that way.

You will be talking to someone about one thing or another and, in the course of the conversation, discover that you both go to the same hair stylist or barber. Happens all the time.

In fact, I would estimate that I have experienced that 40,000 times. Which would mean the stylist I see every five weeks must be pretty busy.

Or perhaps I have miscounted.

How do people respond when you say…: “Yes, but it’s a dry heat”?

Today’s Slice question: Sometime in the next 10 days, an older gentleman in your extended family will loudly clear his throat and say… A) “Back in my day, it was assumed that we knew what we were doing with fireworks. And if someone blew off a finger or set a garage ablaze, well, that was considered collateral damage.” B) “Given that I am being deprived of my God-given, constitutional right to blow stuff up on Independence Day, I have no choice but to conclude that we are now living under an atheistic dictatorship.” C) “A miscalculation with an M-80 causing permanent hearing loss made a man of me.” D) “Why can’t we have fireworks? Are there no emergency rooms open on the Fourth? Are the firefighters all at Safeway?” E) “If the Nanny State is so worried about disfiguring mayhem and wildfires, why don’t they just, aw, to hell with it.” F) “Having your deranged cousin throw a lit firecracker at your head builds character.” G) “The Founding Fathers would be spinning in their graves if they realized we had decided to occasionally think for ourselves since the 18th century.” H) “Nothing says ‘liberty’ like a 12-pack of coldies and some flaming wands shooting sparks that burn at approximately the temperature of the sun.” I) “I suppose the next thing will be confiscation of my grilled hamburgers and the government force-feeding everyone commie Portobello mushroom burgers. Well, by God, I won’t stand for it.” J) Other.

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. You still have a week to come up with your Second Half of the Year’s Resolutions.


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