The Slice: Perhaps your style is less artsy, more fartsy

What kind of arts critic would you be?

A) Snarky. B) Unbelievably pedantic. C) Pablumy populist. D) Total apologist for anything with Spokane connections.

E) Really, really mean. F) Praise machine. G) I would seek to trade rave reviews for sexual favors. H) Acerbic.

I) Intent on settling a few scores. J) Gushing. K) Eager to remind readers that they are not as smart as the critic. L) A critic who would never say “methinks.”

M) I would strive for consistency. N) Dyspeptic. O) Defensive. P) I would be sure to never like anything that might be popular.

Q) Bilious. R) Perpetually unimpressed. S) Unintentionally hilarious. T) The kind who looks for teaching moments and tries to make performers cry.

U) Fair but always challenging band members to fight-fights. V) The kind who wants the actors to like him/her. W) Turgid. X) Stoned and baffled. Y) Know-it-all bubbling with disdain. Z) Other.

Just wondering: Who in the Spokane area derives the most pleasure from complaining about the fact certain musical performers do not come here?

Acting: So you’re already intending to call in sick Monday morning.

Going to make it a long weekend.

And your brilliant plan to foreshadow that at your workplace is to hack out some fake coughs today. You know, to set the stage.

Well, be careful. Nothing sounds more like a fake cough than a fake cough.

I’m no expert. But I suspect the key is to be understated.

Ask yourself: Am I a talented thespian? Then answer “No.”

Let that be your guide as you consider putting on a public performance today.

It might be too late to arrange to have Monday off by going through normal channels. But I would remind you that next weekend is a three-dayer. Maybe your plans can wait.

Warm-up question: If you had a storage unit the size of the Boeing assembly complex in Everett, would that be room enough for the stuff you will be hauling out of a moving-to-assisted-living relative’s home this summer?

Today’s Slice question: Where were you surprised to discover a bird nest?