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The Slice: Ritual didn’t compare with pinch to grow an inch

‘Carnage” might be too strong a word.

Perhaps “bedlam” is closer to the mark.

But once upon a time, showing up at elementary school on St. Patrick’s Day sans green apparel was an invitation to be pinched to within an inch of your young life.

I don’t know what it’s like today at grade schools on St. Patrick’s Day. Maybe there are self-esteem exercises and sensitivity training. But back in the 1960s, it was every kid for himself. It was a frenzy of grabbing and squealing.

There were several distinct pincher profiles.

• The Lame Leprechaun: The kid whose fake Irish accent was more punishing than his pliers-like thumb and forefinger.

• Crustacean Boy: This unhinged lad would lock onto almost any available flesh and hold on until targeted with a tranquilizer dart or yelled at by the teacher.

• The Indiscriminate Pincher: This troubled youth did not care about the rules and pinched anybody — regardless of what you might be wearing.

• Pinching With Vaguely Sexual Overtones: Let’s just say sixth grade was a watershed year for certain young scholars, a season full of awakenings, discovery and insanity.

• The “Bad Touch” Pincher: See above.

• The Instigator: This kid would pinch, pinch, pinch with such untamed abandon and feverish intensity that the result was almost always a brief classroom brawl.

• The Kid Who Tried to Create a Bruise: One way to deal with this assault was to try out some newly acquired vocabulary and punch right into the aggressor’s solar plexus.

• The Cute Girl Whose Pinches Didn’t Really Feel Bad at All: Has a fifth-grade boy ever had the presence of mind to say “Who told you to stop?”

• The Human Calipers: It was as if this child was trying to assess your body fat index with clinical precision.

• The Classmate You Wouldn’t Have Minded Being Pinched By (but who sees that you are wearing green and so abstains): “Note to Self: Wear Orange next year.”

Today’s Slice question: What is the most amusing (and printable) context in which you have heard someone say “They’re always after me Lucky Charms”?

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