Doug Clark: You love Gonzaga? Get in line, Przemek
Think you love the Zags? Really?
Yeah. Yeah. You’ve got the posters and the T-shirts and ballcaps, all of which are adorned with that beloved Bulldog.
You record every game for multiple replay watching. You’re so close to the team, when you fill out forms you write down the names of players as next of kin.
March is your favorite time of year, naturally.
But don’t go crowing about what a big Zags fan you are, not unless you’ve got the scientific data to back up your boasts.
You can get those today by taking my annual NCAA-sanctioned quiz designed to assess your Zags Quotient.
Circle the answers that best relate to you. At the end of the quiz, we’ll go over your numbers to see what your GU/ZQ means.
So let the testing begin.
1. I’m so into the Zags …
A – I can correctly spell the name “Przemek Karnowski.” (1 Bulldog)
B – I can correctly pronounce the name “Przemek Karnowski.” (3 Bulldogs)
C – I’m having my name legally changed to “Przemek Karnowski.” (5 Bulldogs)
2.To get the Zags to win a national championship, I’d be willing to donate …
A – My car to a charity. (1 Bulldog)
B – A kidney to an organ bank. (3 Bulldogs)
C – My Belle Knox porn videos to a frathouse. (5 Bulldogs)
3.Hands down, my most treasured piece of Zags memorabilia is:
A – The program dating back to when John Stockton was a player. (1 Bulldog)
B – The lock of hair I bought from John Stockton’s barber. (3 Bulldogs)
C – The lawn mower I stole from John Stockton’s garage. (5 Bulldogs)
4. When the Zags get ready to play the Oklahoma St. Cowboys on Friday, I’ll be …
A – Anchored in front of a big screen. (1 Bulldog)
B – In San Diego, headed for the game. (3 Bulldogs)
C – Hopefully, not under arrest after stowing away on the team plane. (5 Bulldogs)
5.For season tickets to the Zags next year, I’d be willing to …
A – Take out a mortgage. (1 Bulldog)
B – Borrow from my IRA. (3 Bulldogs)
C – Hand-wash the starting five’s jockstraps. (5 Bulldogs)
6. Sometimes I get so caught up in Zags games that I’ll drink too much beer and …
A – Scream horrible swear words at the refs. (1 Bulldog)
B – Pass out on the couch. (3 Bulldogs)
C – Double-dribble while making a fast break to the bathroom. (5 Bulldogs)
7. They may call it March Madness, but in my case it’s more like …
A – Seasonal psychosis. (1 Bulldog)
B – Mass Hoopsteria. (3 Bulldogs)
C – Zag Nuts! (5 Bulldogs)
8.Which Gonzaga player scored most on the road?
A – David Stockton (1 Bulldog)
B – Kevin Pangos (3 Bulldogs)
C – Bing Crosby, obviously. (5 Bulldogs)
9.Mark Few doesn’t get enough credit for the many miracles he’s performed as coach for Gonzaga. In my opinion he should be elevated to:
A – Father Few. (1 Bulldog)
B – Archbishop Few. (3 Bulldogs)
C – Pope Fewness the 1st. (5 Bulldogs)
OK. Time to tally your scores.
If you amassed 20 Bulldogs or less, you should burn your Zags gear and take up watching golf, tennis or, God forbid, the fishing channel. You’re hopeless.
A score of around 27 Bulldogs means you need to rekindle the romance that drew you to Gonzaga basketball in the first place. Read some books on relationships. Take your Zags T-shirts and hats out to dinner and a movie. Don’t worry about what anyone who sees you talking to an empty pile of sweaty clothing might think.
It will take time, but after awhile I’m sure you’ll find that crazy place.
Of course, if you scored a perfect score of 45 you don’t need any help from me; you’re already rubber room material.
So good luck to each and every one of you Przemek Karnowskis.
Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or firstname.lastname@example.org.