May 3, 2014 in Features

The Slice: It’s time to make a name for yourself

By The Spokesman-Review
 

Welcome to Spokane!
(Full-size photo)

On Bloomsday Eve, it’s something of a tradition here at The Slice to predict how participants will do on Sunday morning.

This year’s pre-race analysis is divided by runners’ names.

If your first name is …

Joe or Jim: You will do pretty darned well for a guy your age.

Caitlin, Kaitlin, et cetera: You will finish in under an hour.

Joshua or Jason: You will find yourself rethinking your decision to do zero training.

Lisa or Janet: The stroller will have a mechanical malfunction.

Ted or Tom: You will snort derisively when others say they are offended by your T-shirt.

Jane, Joan or June: Your grandchildren will seem slightly less feral than usual.

Jose, Manny or Frank: You will catch up to the elite runners and then wake up in the middle of the night and realize you are dreaming.

Ken or Kendra: The first seven miles will be the hardest.

Susan, Carol or Virginia: Watching the Kentucky Derby on TV will give you an idea about how to pace yourself.

Bob, Dave or Dan: You’ll survive.

Ann or Mary: You will come close to winning the race.

Anne or Patty: You will get locked in a portable toilet.

Diane, Debbie or Betsy: You will notice men looking at you.

John, Paul, George or Dick: You will have a fabulous day.

Julie or Jennifer: You will better your personal best by 10 minutes.

Shawn, Sean or Elwood: You will watch your kids having a blast and find yourself thinking life is good.

Kelly, Kelley or Kelli: You will vow to come downtown via STA next year.

Chris or Kris: You will be inspired by a good-luck text received just before the start.

Greg or Craig: You will accidentally body-check someone who looks like Gloria in “Modern Family.”

Marissa, Melissa: You will not lose your keys.

Kathy or Cathy: You will surprise yourself.

Everyone else: You will realize that, except for that heart attack guy, a good time was had by all.

Today’s Slice question: What goes through your mind when you see the sign below?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Bicycle commuter Kate Johnston parks her bike in a second-floor vault.


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