The Slice: It’s time to make a name for yourself
On Bloomsday Eve, it’s something of a tradition here at The Slice to predict how participants will do on Sunday morning.
This year’s pre-race analysis is divided by runners’ names.
If your first name is …
Joe or Jim: You will do pretty darned well for a guy your age.
Caitlin, Kaitlin, et cetera: You will finish in under an hour.
Joshua or Jason: You will find yourself rethinking your decision to do zero training.
Lisa or Janet: The stroller will have a mechanical malfunction.
Ted or Tom: You will snort derisively when others say they are offended by your T-shirt.
Jane, Joan or June: Your grandchildren will seem slightly less feral than usual.
Jose, Manny or Frank: You will catch up to the elite runners and then wake up in the middle of the night and realize you are dreaming.
Ken or Kendra: The first seven miles will be the hardest.
Susan, Carol or Virginia: Watching the Kentucky Derby on TV will give you an idea about how to pace yourself.
Bob, Dave or Dan: You’ll survive.
Ann or Mary: You will come close to winning the race.
Anne or Patty: You will get locked in a portable toilet.
Diane, Debbie or Betsy: You will notice men looking at you.
John, Paul, George or Dick: You will have a fabulous day.
Julie or Jennifer: You will better your personal best by 10 minutes.
Shawn, Sean or Elwood: You will watch your kids having a blast and find yourself thinking life is good.
Kelly, Kelley or Kelli: You will vow to come downtown via STA next year.
Chris or Kris: You will be inspired by a good-luck text received just before the start.
Greg or Craig: You will accidentally body-check someone who looks like Gloria in “Modern Family.”
Marissa, Melissa: You will not lose your keys.
Kathy or Cathy: You will surprise yourself.
Everyone else: You will realize that, except for that heart attack guy, a good time was had by all.
Today’s Slice question: What goes through your mind when you see the sign below?
Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email firstname.lastname@example.org. Bicycle commuter Kate Johnston parks her bike in a second-floor vault.