May 4, 2014 in City
Doug Clark: Deputies misfired, mayor overreached, and the race is done
Corporal Clark is back on this breezy Bloomsday to address your concerns about cops, crimes and City Hall shenanigans.
Let’s get to it.
Q: Hey, what do you think about the deputy association members not endorsing Spokane County Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich for re-election?
Cpl. Clark: The word that comes to my mind is flattering.
Cpl. Clark: Yeah, it’s like having a herd of skunks telling you they can’t stand the cologne you’re wearing.
Q: Since when do skunks run in herds?
Cpl. Clark: Since they started wearing badges and started trying to influence the sheriff’s election, that’s when.
Q: Hasn’t a faction of the deputy association had it in for Ozzie ever since he fired that joker of a deputy who had sex on duty?
Cpl. Clark: Scott Kenoyer.
Q: Yeah. That’s the guy.
Cpl. Clark: It’s sad. I miss the old days, when cops were expected to keep their weapons in their holsters.
Q: Um, you’re talking about firearms, aren’t you?
Cpl. Clark: Why, yes. That works, too.
Q: Speaking of which, are you surprised by all the police-involved shootings?
Cpl. Clark: I’m more worried about the bullet budget. If this keeps up, the cops will be out of ammo by August.
Q: But getting back to the endorsement vote, only half of the 205 deputy association members bothered to cast ballots. What do you think the nonvoters were doing?
Cpl. Clark: I don’t care as long as the windows on their prowl cars weren’t getting steamed up.
Q: Douglas Orr, Ozzie’s likely opponent, got the association’s endorsement. Should the sheriff be worried?
Cpl. Clark: I think Ozzie should be more worried about fallout from Todd Saunders.
Q: He’s the latest deputy to get the ax, isn’t he?
Cpl. Clark: The one and the same. Investigators found Saunders was spending much of his on-duty hours in the home of some woman who wasn’t his wife.
Q: Playing Scrabble?
Cpl. Clark: I wouldn’t touch that line with a pitchfork.
Q: What do you think will happen to Saunders?
Cpl. Clark: With his resume, the deputy association’s bound to make him their president.
Q: Turning to city news, this wasn’t a very good week for David Condon, was it?
Cpl. Clark: You can say that again.
Q: This wasn’t a very good week for David Condon, was it?
Cpl. Clark: Knock it off. I’m telling the jokes here.
Cpl. Clark: But you’re right. A judge spanked the mayor because of his complicated plan to reorganize the Spokane Fire Department.
Q: What was the Condon Plan?
Cpl. Clark: The mayor divided the fire department into groups of distributors, with each distributor, by selling enough overpriced soap, being able to someday rise to the level of diamond or emerald or …
Q: Wait a second. Isn’t this Amway?
Cpl. Clark: No wonder the judge got so steamed.
Q: Now that Council President Ben Stuckart says he isn’t running for mayor, do you think Condon has a shot at becoming the first two-term mayor since Spokane had a beaver pelt-based economy?
Cpl. Clark: Absolutely. In fact, right now, the bookies are putting Condon’s re-election odds at “between slim and Mitt Romney.”
Q: Speaking of Spokane developments, it’s pretty generous of the city to give parking scofflaws until June to settle their tickets with late fees and interest waived, don’t you think?
Cpl. Clark: I do. And not only that, but July is half-off jail time month for muggers and pimps who turn themselves in.
Q: What a great city Spokane is. Are you running Bloomsday today, Cpl. Clark?
Cpl. Clark: Naw. Ever since they made it a no-smoking and no-boozing event it took all the fun out of it.
Q: You’re a bad man.
Cpl. Clark: Thank you.
Doug Clark can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or firstname.lastname@example.org.