The Slice: Future’s so bright, he’s not irate

Today The Slice presents a transcript of an exclusive interview with The Old, White Spokane Guy Who Isn’t Angry.

You won’t believe what he had to say.

Q: So how do you explain your ability to stay calm? Polls suggest you should be spending your days fuming about guns and gays or whatever.

A: First, I doubt that I am really such an anomaly. I think the media tend to pay attention to shouters. I’m not a shouter.

Q: So you don’t think everything was better way back when?

A: Well, soft drinks and tomatoes were. But I’ve never thought it is wise to totally romanticize the past. I like that my daughter had opportunities to be who she wanted to be, not who society said she had to be. And my granddaughters … just think what the future might hold for them.

Q: No grumbling about demographic shifts sweeping over the nation?

A: I try to make up my mind about people one at a time, meet them as they come.

Q: Yeah, but as an old, white guy, aren’t you supposed to spend all day online arguing with people using made-up names?

A: Look, I have had a good life. I have loved and been loved in return. I was rewarded for hard work. I have grown children who make me so proud I can’t begin to express it. Now I stay busy with all sorts of challenging projects. There simply is not this huge hole in my existence that I need to fill with anger. I don’t require rage to feel alive.

Q: So you are in denial?

A: No, and I have never yelled “Get off my lawn!”

Q: Do you take anti-depressants?

A: No, just a multi-vitamin in the morning.

Q: What do you think of popular music today?

A: It’s irrelevant to me. But I see where you’re going there. Look, I don’t expect everyone to make the exact same choices I made or live their lives exactly like I lived mine. Times change.

Q: But aren’t old, white Spokane guys all about protecting cherished values that made this country great before everything went to hell?

A: I can tell that you haven’t met my granddaughters. Trust me, the best is yet to come.

Today’s Slice question: How long has the person who cuts your hair been doing so?