Don’t change plans on mom’s account

Dear Carolyn: I have no bond with my mother, and never have, including as an infant. She makes herself look good by spinning partial truths to make other people look bad. Her usual target over the years has been me.

I belong to an organization that holds an event over the Fourth of July weekend in a different city every year. This is the first year I’m able to go because it’s in my area. I’ve had these plans for a year.

My brother emailed to inform me that my mother’s 70th birthday celebration was all figured out – July 5 for 25 people at $40 per person – and that because he understands my financial difficulties, he and our other brother were prepared to cover the cost.

I’m insulted that I wasn’t consulted regarding an event they’re suggesting I might “co-host,” but I’m trying to let that go. My real issue: Am I now obligated to cancel my only vacation, ever, to attend? If I go, I will be resentful (obviously). If I don’t go, it is fodder for family gossip about what a terrible daughter I am. It looks to me like a lose-lose situation. – M.

I can see how you’d think that, after a lifetime as the preferred target of a dysfunctional family.

But please trust this: People accustomed to being treated with respect would respond immediately to that email with: “Geez – wish you’d run the date by me first! I’ll be on a vacation that weekend that I planned a year ago. If you change the date, I’m in.”

I suggest you respond to your brother with those words anyway, as if you are a valued equal in a healthy family. Why? Because your mother’s problems confer no obligation on you to make them your problems, too. You get to live as any other independent adult does. If that whips Mama into a frenzy, then figure out the radius of her frenzy’s reach and step calmly, decisively outside it.