Spouse’s outbursts stresses the kids

Dear Annie: I am in my second marriage. My two adult children were pre-teens when I married “Lenny” 15 years ago.

The problem is, Lenny has a bad temper and little patience. He flies off the handle and gets upset easily. It makes life difficult. He doesn’t frighten me, and I can easily tell him to stop when these episodes begin, but they upset the whole family.

Now that my kids are grown, they have told me that they always resented my “putting them in this position” by marrying Lenny. They are respectful to him, but have no interest in sitting down and having a conversation with him. When the kids are in the house, I often run around trying to keep everyone calm. It makes me nervous. Lenny tried counseling, but not for very long. He said it wasn’t helping.

How do I keep a relationship with my kids? I don’t want to be divorced a second time. While I am sure that Lenny would never harm me, I’m not certain how he would react if I asked him to leave. He does have some good qualities, but it’s hard to remember them when he has these outbursts. Please help me keep my kids in my life. What can I do? – Helpless

Dear Helpless: You can call the Domestic Violence Hotline ( thehotline.org) at (800) 799-SAFE and ask about protected ways to leave your environment. You also can ask for help in discussing ways to get Lenny to return for counseling in anger management. If you decide to stay with Lenny, you can arrange to see your children outside of your home, having a relationship that doesn’t include Lenny. Do not push them to be with him.