Time again for a Slice Horoscope, the first of 2014.
This is the only zodiac column written by someone whose car you might have dinged when flinging open your driver’s-side door.
As always, I guarantee this astrological forecast to be as accurate as any other.
Aries: Your self-confidence is not unwarranted. You possess an impressive skill set and have much to offer. But it’s time to stop describing yourself as “near nature, nearly perfect.”
Taurus: Your attitude about not wanting to go to work when the weather is nice suggests that you have failed to grasp an essential truth of sober adulthood. What you “want” can be irrelevant. As Steve Martin’s character put it in 1989’s “Parenthood,” “My whole life is ‘have to.’ ”
Gemini: Old flames seek you out online. Remember why it didn’t work out the first time around.
Cancer: You are doing your best. That’s all anyone can ask.
Leo: Something will happen this summer that will land you a leading role in shaping Spokane’s future.
Virgo: Remember when George Costanza decided to go with the opposite of what his normal instinct suggested he should do? Try something like that.
Libra: You are a good person. But is spending all your time compiling a list of snappy retorts for when your kids say “I’m bored” really the best use of your talents?
Scorpio: Co-workers rip you behind your back. But at least they know you exist.
Sagittarius: If you need help, ask for it. Your friends care.
Capricorn: You are Spokane’s answer to the question, “What’s the next big thing?”
Aquarius: Please stop telling people how good you looked when you were 19.
Pisces: Your listening skills will come in handy.
Today’s Slice question: Are you ready for summer? A) Yes. B) No. C) Why? Have you heard something? D) In what sense? E) Do I have the option of postponing it? F) Existentially? G) It depends. H) I’m a Ready Teddy, as John Milner said. I) Well, I have T-shirts, cut-offs and a pair of thongs, if that helps. J) I am girding my loins as we speak. K) I’m going to wait until the summer solstice is almost upon us and then call a timeout. L) Other.