Here are some Frequently Asked Questions from young people who fear their summer will be a hollow shell of a season because they lack easy access to multiple drive-in movie theaters.
Q: Did people used to stare at their phones while at the drive-in?
Q: Is it possible to learn the facts of life without a drive-in practicum?
A: Certainly. There are all sorts of seminars, tutorials and work-study options.
Q: How much of what my grandfather says about his drive-in movie adventures should I believe?
A: Maybe 25 percent. But if he says he once wrecked a car window when he drove off without first removing the drive-in speaker, that might actually have happened.
Q: What did Mr. Bob Seger mean by “Workin’ on mysteries without any clues”?
A: He meant virtue is its own reward.
Q: So my generation did not invent fake ID cards?
A: Ah, no.
Q: Does the Inland Northwest lack the requisite summertime humidity to create fogged-up windows?
A: Humidity isn’t really the essential ingredient. It depends on a certain kind of pressure, and I don’t mean barometric.
Q: Will my teen years be complete without my ever having hidden in the empty spare-tire wheel well of a 1971 station wagon?
A: There are many ways to live a full, rich life that do not include sneaking into a drive-in theater.
Q: Does the phrase “taking liberties” refer to patriotism?
A: Well, in a certain red-blooded sort of way, yes.
Q: Did drive-ins all but disappear because Hollywood stopped making biker movies?
A: It had more to do with real estate investors wanting to realize greater returns.
Q: If you went to the drive-in movies in a brand-new car, what were the chances that a little kid would spill a milkshake in the back seat?
A: Approximately 100 percent.
Q: Should I assume some of my older relatives conducted themselves at the drive-in in ways they now regret?
A: Depends on how much they can remember.
Today’s Slice question: What actor or actress would be perfect to play you in a movie based on your life? (Feel free to choose more than one, to depict different ages.)