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The Slice: Movie inconsequential to drive-in entertainment

Fri., May 30, 2014, midnight

Here are some Frequently Asked Questions from young people who fear their summer will be a hollow shell of a season because they lack easy access to multiple drive-in movie theaters.

Q: Did people used to stare at their phones while at the drive-in?

A: No.

Q: Is it possible to learn the facts of life without a drive-in practicum?

A: Certainly. There are all sorts of seminars, tutorials and work-study options.

Q: How much of what my grandfather says about his drive-in movie adventures should I believe?

A: Maybe 25 percent. But if he says he once wrecked a car window when he drove off without first removing the drive-in speaker, that might actually have happened.

Q: What did Mr. Bob Seger mean by “Workin’ on mysteries without any clues”?

A: He meant virtue is its own reward.

Q: So my generation did not invent fake ID cards?

A: Ah, no.

Q: Does the Inland Northwest lack the requisite summertime humidity to create fogged-up windows?

A: Humidity isn’t really the essential ingredient. It depends on a certain kind of pressure, and I don’t mean barometric.

Q: Will my teen years be complete without my ever having hidden in the empty spare-tire wheel well of a 1971 station wagon?

A: There are many ways to live a full, rich life that do not include sneaking into a drive-in theater.

Q: Does the phrase “taking liberties” refer to patriotism?

A: Well, in a certain red-blooded sort of way, yes.

Q: Did drive-ins all but disappear because Hollywood stopped making biker movies?

A: It had more to do with real estate investors wanting to realize greater returns.

Q: If you went to the drive-in movies in a brand-new car, what were the chances that a little kid would spill a milkshake in the back seat?

A: Approximately 100 percent.

Q: Should I assume some of my older relatives conducted themselves at the drive-in in ways they now regret?

A: Depends on how much they can remember.

Today’s Slice question: What actor or actress would be perfect to play you in a movie based on your life? (Feel free to choose more than one, to depict different ages.)

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email Insect phobia can make camping a trial.

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