Miss Manners: Sometimes a reminder is in order

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I manage an age-restricted apartment community, and I enjoy hosting activities for my residents. This month I tried something new and had a catered dinner. The cost was $12 per person, paid in advance.

One couple out of the 40 people who signed up did not attend the event. I thought about calling them, but then I got busy hosting the party for the other 38 who did attend. I am afraid that once things got rolling, I never gave the couple who did not show up another thought.

This couple was very upset the next day when they discovered that they missed the party and came in asking why I hadn’t called them. They also asked for their meals, which I had not saved. I traditionally give any leftovers from events to my maintenance staff.

Do I have an obligation to remind people of a social event I host and/or save their meals?

GENTLE READER: Under normal circumstances, no. A host does not – and should not – have an obligation to remind guests of an invitation.

But Miss Manners assumes that “age-restricted” means it is a retirement home or assisted-living facility. In that case, it seems that your assistance may be needed. If you know that it’s a possibility that your guests might forget, send out a reminder the day of the event and save their meals when practical, or make arrangements to provide comparable ones at a later date – one that you might also have to remind them to attend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are your thoughts on being invited to a Thanksgiving meal, only to be asked to pay per person (family)? Not everyone invited is asked to pay, and those that are asked to pay, pay more than a fair share.

GENTLE READER: A thought: Isn’t Thanksgiving all about sharing? And charging relatives for their meals does not meet Miss Manners’ definition of that.