The Slice: Turn your radio down, speak clearly and eat your breakfast

If you have wondered what I would be like as the host of a Spokane radio call-in show aimed at baby boomers seeking advice, here’s a glimpse.

Caller: What’s the biggest drawback to tapping my IRA as soon as I turn 59½?

Mr. Radio: Talk to your financial planner. Meantime, be sure to eat oatmeal every day. That’ll set you up.

Caller: Hello? Mr. Radio? I’m a high-mileage guy old enough to know better. But I see young women and I envision, how should I put it, conjugal visits. What can I do?

Mr. Radio: Snap out of it. I recommend that you sweeten your oatmeal with brown sugar or maple syrup. But not too much. And don’t cook it too fast. OK, next caller.

Caller: My husband yells at the TV while watching football. Is that grounds for divorce?

Mr. Radio: Clearly, what your husband needs is a steady diet of cleansing oatmeal. Tell him to try it with fruit. OK…line 3.

Caller: I work with some young people who think they are the first to experience everything life has to offer. Should I acquaint them with reality or would they just dismiss me as a bitter old goat?

Mr. Radio: You were young once, too. But now you aren’t, so what you need is porridge. Every morning.

Caller: My grandchildren spend every waking moment staring at their phones. What can I say to encourage them to look up?

Mr. Radio: You can say, “I’m headed into the kitchen to whip up some fortifying oatmeal. Who wants to join me?”

Caller: Hi, Mr. Radio. First time caller. Love your show. I moved to Coeur d’Alene after I retired. Frankly, I have not found people here to be warm and welcoming. What gives?

Mr. Radio: They probably suspect that you need to be eating more oatmeal and are uncertain about how to broach the subject. Some people equate oatmeal with using a walker. But anyone who listened to my “Success by 60” series knows it is simply the staff of life.

Caller: Can oatmeal reverse hair loss?

Mr. Radio: No, but it can help you not care.

Today’s Slice question: Do lifelong hunters and people who have never been hunting tend to view one another with suspicion or is it simply a nonissue?