Norman Chad tactfully picks apart some of the most-often viewed television commercials

I am America’s Viewer, which like America’s Poet Laureate, is a largely unappreciated, lowly paid position. They are similar pursuits: Our poet laureate reads poetry and writes verse; Couch Slouch watches TV and writes, uh, well, not verse – just stuff.

Anyway, as America’s Viewer, I am also America’s Commercial Viewer – deconstructing slogans and debunking Madison Avenue-isms – allowing me to bring weary readers our almost annual fall survey of the vast wasteland of ads littering televised sports:

Time Warner Cable: “Enjoy better.” I could enjoy a five-course Bacchanalian feast while I’m on hold with TWC to discuss a billing issue.

Audi: “Truth in Engineering.” Thank goodness, because I hate dishonesty in engineering.

United Airlines: “Fly the friendly skies.” Friendly skies? I don’t board a flight any more without elbow pads and legal counsel.

McDonald’s: “I’m lovin’ it.” Have you had an old-fashioned regular hamburger under the golden arches lately? To quote an ad campaign from 30 years ago, “Where’s the beef?”

Arby’s: “We Have The Meat.” Can you lend some to McDonald’s for its burger?

Jiffy Lube: “Leave Worry Behind.” Uh, you’d be worried, too, sitting in a Jiffy Lube waiting for some 23-year-old grease monkey to come in and show you 23 things wrong with your engine.

State Farm: “Get to a better state.” I would, but my office sofa is a long way from Maine.

Carl’s Jr.: “Eat Like You Mean It.” Hey, I’m 20 pounds overweight – I must be eating like I mean it.

Toyota: “Let’s Go Places.” I’d love to, but I’m a little worried about hidden accelerator problems.

Chevrolet: “Find New Roads.” I’d love to, but it’s tough to get past all the broken-down Chevys on the side of the highway.

Mercedes-Benz: “The best or nothing.” To be honest, nothing is starting to wear on me.

Lincoln: “Live In Your Moment.” At the moment, I wouldn’t mind a nap.

(Column Intermission: The next time I see one of those creepy, painfully awkward and crazy hairy Rob Lowe DirecTV commercials, I am going to rent a truck from U-Haul and dump every DirecTV satellite dish I can find on Lowe’s front lawn; if he doesn’t have a front lawn, I’ll leave them in the garage next to his box of unsold sex tapes.)

Oberto Original Beef Jerky: “You Get Out What You Put In.” “I don’t even know what that means,” I said to Toni, a.k.a. She Is The One. She responded, “Of course you don’t know what that means – it’s applicable to marriage and it’s applicable to beef jerky.”

Capital One: “What’s in your wallet?” Considering everyone keeps reaching into it, not much.

Outback Steakhouse: “No Rules, Just Right.” I like rules; without rules, somebody’s always cutting the express line at Trader Joe’s.

Farmersonly.com: “You don’t have to be lonely.” This is a country-folks dating site. I’ve only lived in D.C. and L.A. – I’m looking for a disingenuous/power- hungry/lie-every-time-you-open-your-mouth dating site.

AT&T: “Mobilizing Your World.” I don’t need my world mobilized, I just need someone to bring me a case of Yuengling and a bag of Fritos.

Heineken: “Open your world.” You wanna open my world? Bring me a case of Yuengling and a bag of Fritos.

T-Mobile: “Un-leash.” Nobody – and I mean nobody – wants to see me un-leashed.

Taco Bell: “Live Más.” Something tells me I’ll “Live Menos” if I eat the new AM Crunch Wrap.

Voya Financial: “Changing the way you think of retirement.” Retirement? I’m thinking of the afterlife.

Olive Garden: “We’re all family here.” Can’t anyone in this family cook?

Corona Extra: “Find your beach.” The problem in L.A. is not finding the beach, the problem is getting to the beach in under two hours.

Samsung: “The Next Big Thing Is Here.” How come the next big thing comes, like, every 15 minutes and costs so much?

Charles Schwab: “Own your tomorrow.” I can’t afford it.

Buffalo Wild Wings: “Wings. Beer. Sports.” Boy, how can that business miss?

Ask The Slouch

Q. In your column about Columbia’s losing football team, you did not mention a single player or coach. You call that journalism? (J.R. Dunne; Beaumont, Texas)

A. I saw no reason to shame legitimate scholar-athletes by name, plus there’s a chance I’ll be working for one of them someday and I wouldn’t want to start a new job in the doghouse.

Q. Tell me something that bugs you that has nothing to do with college football, stadium financing, Clark Kellogg, Mike Mayock or Starbucks. (Eric Peters; Richmond, Virginia)

A. The MLS aggregate-goal playoff format is an embarrassment to the New World.

Q. Isn’t the DEA investigation of the NFL focused on the wrong people? After all, at the end of most Giants games, who needs painkillers more – the players or the fans? (Dave Motta; East Greenbush, New York)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.