Couch Slouch: What’s the point of kickoffs if the return has been virtually eliminated?

Note to Readers: Couch Slouch is well aware of the myriad critical issues, sporting and non-sporting, facing America today. So I apologize in advance for the following diatribe on a topic so trivial, I considered submitting the column under a nom de plume, to protect my family’s fast-fading reputation.

You know, the National Football League is just about my favorite thing in the world, other than sno-cones and thinking about walking on the beach at sunset.

But the NFL, in 2011, made a revision that will prove ruinous for centuries to come.*

(*-This assumes that there are “centuries to come.” Between global conflict, climate change, nefarious banking practices and the Kardashians, I’d say Earth is a 3-1 underdog at the moment to make it to the 22nd century.)

Three seasons ago, the NFL moved kickoffs from the 30-yard line to the 35. This came years after kickoffs had been moved back to the 30-yard line from the 35 because kickers’ legs had gotten so strong ** and the league didn’t want them to keep booting the ball out of the end zone.

(**-I watch NFL games every Sunday with two highly successful, middle-aged professionals who insist that NFL kickers have been PED-boosted for years. Incidentally, another one of their avant-garde theories is that the NFL has a quota of gay referees, apparently enforcing the “Rooney Rule,” LGBT-style.)

OK, so now we’ve returned to the 35-yard line for kickoffs – they want kickers to kick it out of the end zone because of “player safety.”

To which I must say:

This might be THE DUMBEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD.

The most important element of the kickoff, I believe, is the kickoff return. You kick the ball off, and then you bring the ball back.

Would you put a letter into a mailbox that has no address on it? I mean, the point of mailing a letter is to have someone receive the letter; isn’t the point of the kickoff to have a kickoff return?

Last season, Broncos kicker Matt Prater set an NFL record with 81 touchbacks – that’s five per game.

I sat down to enjoy the Sunday night season opener last month on NBC, Colts at Broncos, and was greeted by 10 touchbacks on 11 kickoffs – the only non-touchback was an onside kick.

This was in prime-time, and where I was raised, prime-time is supposed to mean entertainment. ***

(***-This excludes NBC, which hasn’t had a prime-time hit since “The Cosby Show.”)

Granted, like snowflakes, no two touchbacks are alike, but I have no desire to pop open three Yuenglings and watch three hours of kick returners kneeling in the end zone.

And the touchback numbers these days keep getting bleaker.

This season, 21 of 32 NFL teams have at least 50 percent of kickoffs resulting in touchbacks. In 2010, the last season before kickoffs were moved up to the 35-yard line, not a single NFL team had a touchback percentage of 50.

Remember, the touchback mania was sparked by this sudden concern for player safety; the league says there are too many injuries during kickoff returns. Uh, then why kick the ball off at all? They should just place the ball on the 20-yard line after a team scores.

And if they’re really concerned about player safety – to take this argument to its logical extreme – WHY PLAY FOOTBALL AT ALL?

Am I missing something here?

Isn’t it a primary focus in football to hit the other guy really, really hard? I have no formal medical training, but when you hit the other guy really, really hard, my medical instinct tells me that the other guy eventually gets really, really hurt.

If you don’t want people hitting each other, then they should just play backgammon. Come to think of it, I would watch “Monday Night Backgammon” on ESPN. Why not?

(In more important matters, the reclining-seat rhubarbs on airlines have to stop. I’d actually borrow a page from the NFL – if kickoffs no longer are meant to be returned, then reclining seats should not be allowed to recline.)

Ask The Slouch

Q. I heard the ESPN football announcer state that “Arizona came into Eugene and shocked the world.” Is that why the residents of Hong Kong are protesting? (Sam Hess; Carmel, Indiana)

A. Actually, I believe they’re protesting the traffic to the new McDonald’s downtown.

Q. What’s the biggest advantage to all the MLB playoff games lasting 3 ½ hours? (Tracy Wilkins; Kansas City, Missouri)

A. I’ve taken to pulling gray hairs out of my head during replay reviews – if the World Series goes seven games, I might be completely bald.

Q. I think your new beer should be Schaefer – you know, “the one beer to have when you’re having more than one.” It kind of goes with your marital history. (John Estanich; Monrovia, Maryland)

A. One, you appear to be mocking me and, two, I don’t see a question anywhere in there.

Q. I’ve lost count – which have you loved and lost more of, your ex-wives or ex-favorite beers? (Bert Brindisi; Albany, New York)

A. Now, that’s a question – pay the man, Shirley.