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Doug Clark: Celebrities’ pompous pandemic reaches epic proportions

Doug Clark

I’m announcing my write-in candidacy for president today on a one-issue campaign guaranteed to win over all right-thinking Americans, be they Republicans, Democrats or members of parties Green and Tea.

Put me in the White House.

I won’t start a war. I won’t raise your taxes.

But I WILL pass judgment on every jerk celebrity who dares utter “Do you know who I am?” during moments of drunken duress, ego excess or impending arrest.

Same for all boorish variations, such as:

“Don’t you (#^$%)-ing know who I am?”

Or, “Don’t you recognize me? I’m Miley Cyrus.”

Are you as sick of these self-inflated saps as I am?

Shia LeBeouf. Tara Reid. Lindsay Lohan. Kanye West …

I feel like my head will explode when one of these idiots plays the fame card.

But no more. I’ve been driven to action thanks to two articles that pushed me over the top. I couldn’t believe. The stories appeared just pages apart in a recent Saturday newspaper.

The first was about the Palin family brawl.

It happened at a party in Anchorage where “Track Palin, 21, attacked another guest who had previously dated his younger sister, Willow,” according to the story.

Authorities say alcohol might’ve been involved.

Ya think?

Hillbilly behavior notwithstanding, here’s what made me crazy.

A witness told ABC News that he heard Sarah Palin (John McCain’s vice presidential running mate and Alaska’s gubernatorial quitter) yelling, “Do you know who I am?” after being asked to leave.

Oh, please.

I had barely stopped grinding my teeth when I started reading the next story. This one was about a Florida road-rage incident between some driver and that shard of rat feces, George Zimmerman.

Acquitted of murdering Trayvon Martin. That George Zimmerman.

“Do you know who I am?” Zimmerman was quoted as saying during the dust-up.

Elect me, people, and justice will be swift.

Sarah, I sentence you to 10 years of enforced obscurity.

No more interviews. No rallies. No speeches. No windbag commentaries on Fox.

You will spend the next decade sitting on your back porch, looking for Russia.

George, you will be dropped off alone on an unpopulated, tick-infested Pacific island. Feel free to quiz the indigenous lizards if they’ve ever heard of you.

Drastic? Perhaps.

But this is the only way I can think of to stop this pandemic of pomposity.

Here are few more offenders that I found while wasting time on Internet sites like Buzzfeed.

April 2013 – Actress Reese Witherspoon is riding shotgun with hubby, James Toth, when a cop stops their car on suspicion of a DUI.

“Do you know MY name?” blares Witherspoon, who is apparently tanked and winds up arrested for disorderly conduct.

No more movies and red carpet strolls for you, Reese.

I hereby sentence you to six years of hawking miracle mops on QVC.

August 2012 – Singer Rihanna breaks a table in a London nightclub when she jumps on top and shakes her booty.

“Don’t you know who I am?” she hollers when the bouncers move in.

Rihanna, the fame train ends here. Five years of taking tickets at the local Cineplex might help restore your humility.

May 2014 – Alec Baldwin rides his bike in New York.

Against traffic, that is.

“This is (bleep)…” he exclaims when he’s busted. “Don’t you know who I am?”

Yes, sadly, we do know who you are, Alec.

You are an overgrown infant who can’t control his tantrums.

Because of this, I must impose the cruelest sentence I can think of.

From now on, Alec, you’re going to have to trade acting careers with brother Daniel.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or dougc@spokesman.com.

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