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The Slice: He raises a fuss about riding a bus

Here is a transcript of The Slice’s exclusive interview with The Spokane Guy Who Hates Mass Transportation.

You won’t believe what he had to say.

Q: So what’s your beef with the bus system?

A: I don’t ride the bus so I don’t want my tax dollars to pay for shuttling undesirables around town.

Q: Undesirables?

A: Oh, come off it. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Look, if you don’t drive an SUV, you are a loser. Plain enough for you?

Q: Would you support a law requiring that every adult in Spokane have a car, you know like those got-to-own-a-gun ordinances in small towns in the West you occasionally read about?

A: I would. And maybe something about sane haircuts.

Q: But you realize different people have different lifestyles?

A: You mean gay? You mean socialist? Don’t give me that. If people in Spokane loved taking the bus, why aren’t they full all the time?

Q: What do you think of the STA Plaza?

A: Nothing but criminals there. From California. Take my word for it.

Q: How often do you go downtown?

A: Never. Do I seem crazy to you?

Q: Are you uneasy around young people who might not look like you did when you were young?

A: You mean thugs?

Q: Do you want Spokane to be a dynamic city that is attractive to new people with big ideas?

A: You mean outside agitators? Look, what I want is for people who don’t vote properly to sit down and shut up. And pull your pants up, for God’s sake.

Q: Well, what do you think about bicycle riders in Spokane?

A: You mean atheist tax-dodgers?

Death and digital contact info: “Delete their email address and their phone number,” wrote Deacon Pat Bradley. “Change their street address to the cemetery, including directions to gravesite.”

The Slice’s favorite Idaho county names plus two that are not real: Bear Lake, Bonner, Boundary, Camas, Canyon, Hemingway, Kootenai, Lana Turner, Nez Perce, Owyhee, Shoshone, Washington.

Today’s Slice question (recycled from The Slice Blog): What is Spokane’s most popular assumption about childless married couples?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 9921; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Having allergies does not mean a person dislikes dogs and cats.

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