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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Slouch spends an NFL Sunday … not glued to TV!

Norman Chad

For the first time in half-a-century, I willingly turned away from an NFL Sunday this past weekend.

Sure, once in a while life interrupts – births, deaths, the occasional flat tire, marriages, divorces – but otherwise, me and the NFL have been holding hands every Sunday since I started using Old Spice aftershave, which, curiously, came before I started to shave.

(I remember going to a cousin’s wedding in 1991, on an NFL Sunday. I have no recollection of any part of the ceremony other than thinking, “Who gets married on an NFL Sunday?” I have no recollection of any part of the reception other than thinking, “Who gets married on an NFL Sunday?” before discovering a television in the kitchen off the reception area, enabling me to watch the end of the Cowboys-Eagles game.)

Anyway, it was time to take a break from the game. NFL transgressions keep piling up: Major ones like concussions, PEDs, domestic violence and child abuse, plus ongoing misdeeds like taxpayer extortion for new stadiums, Dan Snyder’s repulsive Redskins tap dance, the addition of Thursday night games and, of course, Roger Goodell, who wears a nice suit for a corporate mannequin with forked tongue.

It’s all sex, lies and videotape; actually, you can substitute “money, power and greed” for “sex” there.

Plus, I’m not getting any younger – booth reviews alone have stolen the bulk of my middle age.

Heck, the hang time of all the punts I’ve watched since 1965 exceed the class time of all the courses I took in college.

(And I graduated from the University of Maryland, with an American studies degree. American studies? What was I thinking? Just viewing every TV commercial during NFL games has allowed me to study America better than reading every American studies textbook. If I knew that then, I would’ve saved the $880 tuition per year and bought a bigger TV set.)

How NFL-devoted have I been?

The only book I’ve ever written, “Hold On, Honey, I’ll Take You to the Hospital at Halftime,” conveyed my sports-on-TV passion, with the title reflecting the true story of my first ex-wife suffering a medical mishap that required a trip to the E.R., and my insistence that we’d leave after seeing if the Steelers could score on a late second-quarter drive.

(Somewhat understandably, my first ex-wife left me 17 months later; I believe I was watching the NFL draft at the time.)

More recently, I’ve spent the past 20 years in Los Angeles joined by two friends each NFL Sunday. At first we convened at a sports bar and marveled at the clear sightlines to five TVs. But one of my buddies decided that wasn’t good enough – in his home, he gathered eight 26-inch TV sets and eight DirecTV receivers to up the ante. Then my other buddy decided that wasn’t good enough – he replicated this home-viewing nirvana, only with 10 TV screens to get 10 NFL games at once.

Yes, the three of us plead guilty to conspicuous-consumption wretched excess.

So, finally, this past Sunday I walked out of the darkness and away from the unspeakable sound of Norman Esiason’s voice, and into the light.

I discovered the library. They have books there!

I discovered the farmer’s market. They have fruit and vegetables there!

I discovered church. They have God and bingo there!

(But you have to go back another day for the bingo.)

And I discovered the beach. They have shore and ocean there!

(What, I’m supposed to be conscience-stricken that I live in L.A. and can sprawl onto the sand next to the Pacific Ocean – the No. 1-rated body of water in the world – on an autumn weekend?)

Yes, I understand that Mike Glennon threw a last-second touchdown pass to Vincent Jackson in the Buccaneers’ thrilling 27-24 victory over the Steelers.

And, yes, I would’ve liked to have seen it.

 Guess what? Next week there will be another thrilling comeback.

 

Ask The Slouch

  Q. Brendan Iribe, a University of Maryland dropout – a dropout, mind you – recently donated a record $31 million to the school. You graduated from there. Any chance you’ll be scraping together more than $1.25 for your alma mater? (Andy Gefen; Bethesda, Maryland)

   A. In parking tickets alone, my donations to the school totaled $31 million in 5½ years there. College Park does not get another wooden nickel from me until they disband their intercollegiate athletic program.

   Q. What to make of Roger Goodell’s recent initiatives? For example, the NFL now has a “vice president of social responsibility.” (Don Leonard; Chicago)

   A. Heck, everyone laughed when I established that position in my family 13 years ago.

   Q. First Crimea, then Ukraine and now PBR. Have the Russians finally gone too far? (Mark S. Winston; Berwyn Heights, Maryland)

   A. I am meeting with Henry Kissinger (today) and will devote my entire column to this brewing calamity next week.

   Q. With all the recent arrests, does it mean Adam Sandler has enough NFL players to make “The Longest Yard 2”? (Robbie Camardi; Plant City, Florida)

   A. Pay the man, Shirley.

   Norman Chad is a syndicated columnist. You can enter his $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!