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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Words bring delight even when misused

Sometimes I play with words – a hazard (or maybe a benefit) brought about from working with them for a living.

Sometimes I just try to discover interesting words, usually by thumbing randomly through a dictionary. You never know what you’ll find. Or looking for a way to use an obscure word I already know, which is not so easy. I can’t remember the last time I got to use verisimilitude in a sentence.

I also enjoy collecting in-print gaffes. I recall a headline once about a scheduled meeting of physical therapists, but there was a space added in just the wrong spot. It read “the rapists meet on Thursday.” Or the one telling of a young woman’s engagement. The unfortunate misspelling resulted in (name changed here) “Susie Smith’s brothel announced.”

Other times I feel the need to rant about the misuse of words. With so many examples in modern English, the rant list is long, but I am compelled to include one here – please don’t say “me and her went to the movies,” variations of which I hear all the time.

The words “me” and “her” are properly used as the object of a sentence, not the subject, which in this example should be “I” and “she.” And, I’d like to say that it goes without saying (but I know it doesn’t) that the other person is placed first as the subject in the sentence – “she and I went to the movies.” But alas, asking for both proper usage and proper placement is surely asking for too much, and I feel myself now dangerously wanting to digress into a full rant. Another time.

Today it’s about fun. What I’ve been enjoying a lot lately are paraprosdokians. Not only is paraprosdokian a terrific word unto itself, paraprosdokian sentences are just delightful. These are sentences or phrases in which the concluding words give a new take on the opening words. Comedians and pundits use them all the time, but I think they can – and should – be used in our everyday lives as well.

I’ve heard so many and have no idea where most have come from, so I can’t provide much in the way of attribution. But here are a couple of paraprosdokian sentences: Behind every successful politician is a woman; behind the fall of every politician is another woman. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Why does a person believe you when you say there are a gazillion stars in the galaxy but has to check when you say the paint is wet? Or Will Rogers’ famous revelation that “I’m not a member of any organized political party; I’m a Democrat.”

They can be profound – War does not reveal who is right, only who is left. Or folkishly profound – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Or wittily insulting, as with Groucho Marx’s comment that “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” And for some perverse reason, I like the one that notes that some people are like Slinkys, not really much good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

So, since I enjoy the use of words – and especially the right words for the right occasions – I hereby provide some paraprosdokian responses that I have read or heard that I would dearly love to see us actually use, though I know social convention would advise that we’d best not do so.

For example: When asked for an opinion and you don’t want to give one – I used to be indecisive but now I’m not sure. When tired of hearing someone tell you how much better it used to be in the good old days – Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. When someone insists you taste her all-vegan, macrobiotic gluten-free wonder dish – Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit but wisdom is knowing not to put one in a fruit salad. When listening to someone bloviate – If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong. When people do that holier-than-thou thing – Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. And when someone is about to embark upon some adventure clearly unprepared – You do not need a parachute to skydive; you only need one to skydive twice.

And, perhaps appropriate for this particular column, may I offer one more? To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

I do believe there is a certain verisimilitude in that.