Doug Clark: More proof that the Apocalypse is nigh

The heat. I thought I was hallucinating from the dog days of summer.

Oops. Can’t use that metaphor anymore.

Not after the news broke Thursday about the inappropriately named Travis A. Joy, whose previous convictions for pulling bank robberies in Spokane are the high points of his resume.

Pinch me. It can’t be true, but …

The Spokane County man now faces charges for having sex with three dogs …

And a horse.

Allegedly.

Dare I say that this situation is even worse than that equine abomination that occurred 10 years ago in Enumclaw? You know, when a man died after having sex with a horse.

Google it. My editors are nervous enough about this topic.

But getting back to Joy, according to news reports, the evidence is contained on seven videos that are definitely NOT the sort of sex tapes that helped make Paris Hilton famous.

This sick man is the tipping point.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I believe we’re a whisker away from The End.

Joy is just one of the signs. Have you been paying attention to all the other dire warnings that have been going on this summer?

A friend told me he believes Nostradamus did get it right about the end of the world. He just messed up on the date a little.

Come on. Half the Northwest is ablaze. Not only that, but the drought has the entire state drier than Kennewick Man’s sinus cavities.

How dry is it?

So-called experts are talking about poo water from Spokane’s Wastewater Treatment Plant being the next big thing.

You know what that means.

CHILD – “Mommy, my lemonade tastes funny.”

MOM – “Here, let’s add some more sugar, dear.”

On Friday, wind-whipped dust caused car accidents and traffic closures near Ritzville. The winds then blew it all over Spokane, turning our air into a hellish haze.

I went outside to move my car. When I came back, my mouth hadn’t had that much grit in it since hot lunch back in high school.

Friday’s setting sun looked like a bloody voodoo eyeball as it slithered slowly into the west.

Are you scared yet? I am.

Consider some of the other Apocalyptic Signs of Doom that have been smacking us in the face lately.

Doom Sign 1: It was just reported that Mike Leach, Wazzu’s head football coach, made $2.75 million last year, or $916,666 for each of the three games where the Cougars didn’t Coug.

No wonder some economists think we’re on the verge of economic collapse.

Doom Sign 2: Did you in your wildest imagination ever think the day would come when it would be politically incorrect to express the innocuous sentiment that “All lives matter”?

Doom Sign 3: Donald Trump.

Anti-politician? Or anti-Christ?

Doom Sign 4: Geophysicist psychics have predicted that the West Side will soon be annihilated by an earthquake big enough to turn Spokane into the state’s major seaport.

Doom Sign 5: Spokane once again has been recognized as the state’s best place – to get your car stolen.

Doom Signs 6, 7 & 8: Red-light cameras. Drones. I broke my iPhone last week.

Doom Sign 9: Meteorologists say a Godzilla-sized Super El Nino weather pattern is swirling like a dervish right now somewhere out in the Pacific Ocean. Soon, they say, it will come crashing into land, causing mudslides, raging storms and skyrocketing insurance rates.

I don’t know anyone smart enough to tell me what a Super El Nino is, but just the name is enough to scare the hell out of me.

See what I mean? It’s clear that our local insult to the term “animal husbandry” is only part of a much larger problem.

If he’s found guilty, I would vote for Joy to receive the absolute strictest sentence allowable.

Not to mention a lifetime ban from Petco.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot.

Doom Sign 10: A Seattle Mariners’ pitcher threw a no-hitter.

Seriously. If that doesn’t get you running to church, nothing will.