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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Carolyn Hax: Daughter doesn’t see lover’s abuse

Washington Post

NOTE: Carolyn Hax is away. In her absence, we are offering columns from her archive.

Dear Carolyn:

Is there any way (other than videotaping their conversations) to explain to your 21-year-old daughter that you think her boyfriend is verbally abusive and manipulative? I don’t see every instance, but I see enough to know that he manipulates her and punishes her, by pouting and going off with friends and drinking, when she disagrees with him or doesn’t go along with his plans. Her sisters have seen them interact more directly, and we all have explained our concerns. She says we only see the bad things and don’t realize how good he is to her in between their fights.

– Maryland

There is no meaning in “how good he is to her in between their fights.” People have facets to their characters, of course, and they have good qualities separate from their bad ones, but you don’t date (or marry or befriend or raise) facets of a person. A relationship is with a whole person.

And this whole person, your daughter’s boyfriend, by turns (apparently) dotes on and punishes your daughter. You can point out to her, accurately, that this is the classic hot-and-cold cycle of an abuser. The cold spells keep victims scared, and the hot spells keep them from leaving, by fueling hope that this time, the good time will last, though it never actually does.

You can also tell her that, abusive or not, her boyfriend makes her miserable on a regular basis – and that people who love without agendas simply don’t do that to each other.

Your goal needn’t be to persuade her, since that so rarely works anyway, but instead to plant the seed. You want a little voice saying to her during every good time, “This is how he keeps me in line.” And you want that voice sending her to you when she’s ready to leave.