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Doug Clark: The Old Man preferred hard-knocks education

‘Back to School” is right around the corner and we all know what that means.

It means taking out a second mortgage to pay for all those new backpacks, faddish clothing, newest iPhones and associated school fees and/or karate lessons.

But that’s not all it means. This is also the time of year when a lot of educational know-it-alls contact the media to spout off on the latest psychological razzmatazz. That way they can prove they know way more about what’s good for kids than any of you idiot parents out there.

As a matter of fact, I recently received an email from a Dr. Campbell who wanted me to examine her innovative ideas about what kids need.

After a careful analysis, I can state with authority that Dr. Campbell’s child-rearing ideas have absolutely nothing in common with the “hard knock” life lessons I learned during my formative years.

These lessons were administered by Professor Clark – who also happened to be my Old Man, rest his soul.

So let’s look at some of the philosophical differences between these two educational schools of thought.

Dr. Campbell believes kids need to be constantly told that they are amazing, smart, significant, capable, powerful and lovable.

“Our external parenting becomes the internal dialogue within our children so we must strive to make it positive,” wrote Dr. Campbell.

Or as my Old Man would have said, “Whatta loada Commie crap!”

He believed learning took place when a student (me) paid attention (or else!) to the stories he told over and over again about how life can be tough like, say, the time he had to eat an entire can of Ken-L Ration dog food.

“Nobody’s gonna hand you anything,” he would tell me, piercing me with his rather beady brown eyes …

“HEY, PAY ATTENTION, YOU NUMSKULL!!!”

Raised in a Chicago slum during the Great Depression, my Old Man got his big break when he was 18. He landed a job selling Quaker Oats Co. products on the road.

A company official asked him if he could drive.

“Sure!” he lied.

After a few gear-grinding runs around the block, my Old Man drove away in his company car with a large chunk of the western United States for a territory.

Selling oatmeal and Aunt Jemima pancake mix in towns like Missoula or Provo, Utah, was no self-esteem builder. None of the frugal, naturally suspicious grocers my Old Man encountered told him he was amazing, smart, significant, capable, powerful or lovable.

The worst ones tried to screw with him.

“You act like that dog food is caviar,” groused a store manager during one of the sales stops.

“Best dog food on the market,” replied my Old Man.

The grocer gave him a spoon and told him to prove it.

According to my Old Man, he opened a can and polished off every gelatinous morsel, smacking his lips and making the self-satisfied sounds you’d expect at a Thanksgiving dinner.

I don’t recall if this gastric display of salesmanship won my Old Man a big order. At this point in the tale I was usually too busy gagging.

I do recall the moral of this story. It was that life isn’t fair and that sometimes you have to suck it up and do things you don’t want to do to get ahead.

I also recall that my Old Man started selling insurance not too long after this and no one ever made him eat dog food again.

So take that, Dr. Campbell!

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at dougc@spokesman.com.

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