Couch Slouch touts assets of some of NBA’s best who play in the West

My barber – and, yes, he’s a barber, not a hair stylist; I don’t have enough hair to style – was telling me the other day that the NBA is in a down-cycle, transitional season, that too many of the game’s biggest stars have been limping around or sidelined and that the league and TV folks are dreading the prospect of, say, a Hawks-Grizzlies NBA Finals.

I waited until the haircut was over – never interrupt a man mid-sentence with a pair of clippers in his hands – and explained there is a reason he trims sideburns at $18 a head and I provide unparalleled sporting insights at $500 a column.*

(*-It should be noted my barber gets 18 bucks plus tips and that, not only have I never been offered a gratuity by an editor or reader, I also haven’t earned $500 a piece in years; my actual salary is so low, Bill Simmons earns more per word than I do per column.)

From the comfort of a courtside sofa courtesy of ESPN, TNT, NBA TV and NBA League Pass, Couch Slouch can tell you that the NBA is teeming with compelling story lines.

Before I discuss any of that, let me give a quick nod to the Detroit Pistons and the hilariously lamentable Eastern Conference. The Pistons had an early-season 13-game losing streak that left them at 3-19 – 3-19! – and have had two four-game losing streaks since and, yet, at 22-33, they are one game out of a playoff spot in the East.

And let me also give a quick nod to my barber on one point: Bodies are breaking down. I’m sure this is another result of climate change or Obamacare, or both.

A lot of guys have a missed a lot of time this season. Big, big names – Carmelo Anthony, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, Paul George, Blake Griffin, Dwight Howard, LeBron James, Rajon Rondo, Dwyane Wade, Russell Westbrook.

(By the way, nobody plays 40 minutes a game anymore. If Stephen Strasburg were in the NBA, they’d have him on a block/charge count.)

Meanwhile, LaMarcus Aldridge – who is kind of a big name, except hardly anyone east of Portland knows it – tore ligaments in his left thumb last month. Told he needed surgery and would miss six to eight weeks, Aldridge declined and kept playing!

Because, in the Western Conference, if you miss a day of play, you could fall a month behind.

Now, I know many of you are asleep when most West teams like the Trail Blazers are playing, so let me clue you in on two otherworldly Pacific time zone tales that need to spread to the Atlantic:

DeAndre Jordan and Stephen Curry.

Jordan, the Clippers’ 6-foot-11 center, is first in the league in field goal percentage (71.7), first in rebounds (13.9 per game) and second in blocked shots (2.3). He’s had at least 20 points and 20 rebounds in three games this month, made at least 50 percent of his field-goal attempts in an NBA-record 40 straight games and has a chance to break Wilt Chamberlain’s record for field-goal percentage in a season (72.7).

Jordan also might be the best interior defender in the league, which apparently disqualifies him from playing in the NBA All-Star Game.

Sure, he can’t make a free throw to save his life, but when will he ever have to make a free throw to save his life?

Then there’s the Warriors’ Curry, who alone is worth the $199 price of NBA League Pass.

(I originally purchased NBA League Pass this season to divert my stepson Isaiah Eisendorf from studying too much at Gannon University – my Division II Team of Destiny – but as it turns out, he and the Golden Knights are too busy making the NCAA tournament and I’ve ended up watching every other Golden State game.)

Curry might not be the best player in the league and he might not be the MVP in the league – he’s close on both counts – but he’s more entertaining than Elvis and Twister combined.

He’s a whippersnapper and a whirling dervish. He can make a shot from anywhere on the court, he cuts through defenses like a Kardashian cuts through a bridal shop and he averages 7.9 assists a game.

I hesitate to mention this to my barber, but if Stephen Curry started cutting hair, I’d make the switch in less than 24 seconds.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Can you explain to me how Carmelo Anthony is healthy enough to play 30 minutes in the NBA All-Star Game but not healthy enough to play a single game the rest of the season? (Peter Jamison; Beaumont, Texas)

A. At the all-star game, players are not required to play defense. Actually – come to think of it – Melo doesn’t play defense during regular games either, so now I’m just as perplexed as you are.

Q. Why did Jameis Winston throw at the NFL scouting combine? Shouldn’t he have just sat at home, enjoyed a crab leg and let his mystique carry the day? (Jack Weiss; Schenectady, New York)

A. Agreed. Similarly, defendants often don’t testify at their own trials.

Q. During a typical 1-0 World Cup contest, has any announcer said it was just a “one-possession” game? (Mike Soper; Washington, D.C.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.