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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Mother-in-lawly advice to future daughters

The question stumped me.

Like Bambi caught in the headlights on Highway 2, I blinked, momentarily stunned.

That’s the danger of author Q&A time at book signing events. No matter how prepared you are and no matter how well you know your subject matter (yourself and your book), there’s always a chance someone will lob a question out of left field that will render your carefully prepared notes useless.

That’s what happened to me on Sunday at Auntie’s Bookstore when I fielded questions following a reading of “War Bonds: Love Stories From the Greatest Generation.”

Someone had asked what my next book would be about and I replied that I hoped to start working on a collection of my Front Porch columns. I said the working title is either “Put the Seat Down!, Life Among the Savages” or “Boy Crazy.”

That prompted a nice lady to ask the $64,000 question: “What advice will you give to your daughters-in-law?”

Wow!

My brain went from blank to hyper-overdrive in a matter of seconds. Because you see, I’d really like a daughter-in-law or two. Or four. At least I think I would.

I mumbled something about telling my future daughters-in-law that I raised my sons right, the rest was up to them. Then I lapsed into unseemly grandmotherly longings in which I shared my dream of four granddaughters, one provided by each son.

Unseemly, because three of my sons were present.

Honestly, it’s not like they haven’t heard me say this before. It’s kind of a mantra I repeat when I stomp through the house slamming toilet seats down. “Four granddaughters. One per son. You OWE ME!”

I’m kidding. Mostly.

I’m sure I’ll fall in love with any future grandsons just like I did with their fathers.

However, though my sons are 15, 20, 22 and 25, none of them has a steady gal. I worry they took me seriously when I told them they couldn’t date until they were 40.

They are all handsome, talented, smart and employed. Well, except the youngest who has the first three attributes in spades, but at 15 he’s got another year of litter box duty ahead before he can pursue employment outside the home. Also, he’s still not allowed to date which may hamper his ability to bring home a suitable wife.

It’s not like the older three haven’t dated. They have all brought home likely prospects at one time or another, and kept the less likely ones away from mother’s watchful eye. (Well, they think they have, but I’m a journalist for heaven’s sake! A Google search. A couple of phone calls. And it’s, “So, looks like you and Debbie had a nice time Saturday night.”)

Again, I kid! Kind of.

The point is I haven’t had any real reason to ponder advice to a daughter-in-law. But that question got my wheels churning and I’ve come up with a few words that should suffice when the opportunity arrives.

• You can call me Mom, Mama, Mamacita, Mumsy, MamaC, Cindy, Mrs. H., anything but Mother Hval. Please don’t do that that to me.

• I’ve never had a daughter, so you may find me lacking the shopping gene, the giggle gene and the “let’s do our hair together gene” but I’ve got the spa-day thing down. A day of massage, facials and pedicures? I’m your Mama!

• They really are mostly house-trained but if you find the seat up, feel free to fine him a dollar. That’s what I do. Over time it can add up to some lovely pedicures.

• I like football. I really do. So if you want to chat during the game, I’m apologizing in advance for shushing you.

• You’ll find my son will always open the car door for you and help you on with your coat. You can thank his father for that.

• If you are allergic to cats I will pay for your shots and/or allergy medication.

• Finally, if you love my son and are kind to him, I will love you forever. I promise.

So, thank you dear lady in the crowd at Auntie’s. Because of you I’m prepared. I just I hope I get to offer this advice before I’m too old and feeble to remember it. No pressure, boys.

Contact Cindy Hval at dchval@juno.com and follow her on Twitter at @CindyHval. Her book “War Bonds: Love Stories From the Greatest Generation” is now available at area bookstores. Her previous columns are available online at spokesman.com/ columnists.