Annie’s Mailbox: Fixated on chance boyfriend had fling

Dear Annie: My boyfriend and I are in our 60s and have known each other since high school. We reconnected five years ago, and for the past 18 months, we’ve been living together.

At first, my boyfriend was loving and sweet and promised all sorts of dreams for our future. But after several months, he changed. He became distant, sometimes even cruel in his actions. I begged him to tell me if there was another woman, but he always denied it, in spite of rumors and the fact that things just seemed off.

The problem is, even after all this time, I still have moments when I’m convinced he had a fling with a certain woman, and I can’t get over it. He still denies it, and I am confused and hurt. But when I ask, he will respond by withdrawing from me for months.

I believe he did have an affair and never got over her and that’s why we have so little intimacy now. I have been praying and am seeing a counselor, but I can’t seem to let it go completely. Is there something wrong with me? Or is my intuition telling me that he deceived me and is continuing to lie about it? All my friends say either to let it go or to end it, but I don’t want to leave him, and I have no control over my thoughts and feelings. Please help. – Louise in Louisville

Dear Louise: Actually, you do have some control over those thoughts and feelings, but it takes effort and willingness. Your intuition is telling you that your boyfriend is not being completely honest, and you have become fixated on knowing something that he probably will never tell you. And it could be that there is nothing to tell. Because you wish to stay with him, please talk to your counselor about how to forgive him, and then do the necessary work to get there.