Miss Manners: Trying too hard to be inoffensive is offensive

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are having a party for our employees and want to be sure we are politically correct with our invitations. We want to invite employees and their spouses or significant others (girls of girls and boys of boys). How do I word this invitation to accommodate our lesbian and gay employees?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners lauds your desire to make everyone feel welcome, you have made her realize that trying too obviously hard to be inoffensive is, in itself, somewhat offensive. Instead of researching all possible personal ties your employees may have, you could use one simple word: “guest.” Tell them that you would welcome each of them bringing one guest to the party. Or that each invitation is for two people.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette when receiving a gift one already possesses?

I took a good friend to lunch for her birthday and gave her a gift, a book which was absolutely perfect for her. It was so perfect, unfortunately, that she already had a copy of it.

I asked if she would like to take it back to the bookstore and exchange it for a book of her choice. She then slid it across the table and said that she knew I could choose something else she might like. I have again purchased a book, which I hope she would like and does not have.

My own response would be not to mention that I already had it, to exclaim how perfect the choice was, and then either to give the book to someone else who might enjoy it or to make the exchange myself.

GENTLE READER: Your own response is the polite one. When someone has tried to please you, it is rude, as well as disheartening, to respond by announcing that the effort was a failure and the would-be donor should go back and try again.

Had Miss Manners been in your position, she would have slid the book right back and said, “Oh, I’d probably just make another mistake. Just dispose of this in whatever way is easiest.”