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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Blanchette: Experience what NFL Experience leaves out

PHOENIX – One of the most popular features of any Super Bowl, other than charting Marshawn Lynch’s syllable output, is the NFL Experience.

Set up on three floors inside the Phoenix Convention Center, which serves as the league’s Castel del Monte this week, the Experience is … have to check the notes here … “pro football’s interactive theme park offering participatory games, displays, entertainment attractions, youth football clinics and free autograph sessions from NFL players.”

In other words, something to keep Dad from ramping up his tailgate on Friday or Saturday.

Kids and adults can run a 40-yard dash, kick a field goal, run pass routes and throw a fade over a defender. They can size their mitts against the handprints of Hall of Famers. They can view every Super Bowl ring and try on shoulder pads, presumably not ones just worn for three hours on a September Sunday by Russell Okung.

In 850,000 square feet of exhibit space, every facet of NFL life is explored.

Well, maybe not every facet. A quick walk-through reveals that the curators missed:

I Have No Memory of That, Doctor: Think you’re tough enough to go over the middle against Seattle Seahawks safety Kam Chancellor? Well, give it a try. Liability waivers and next-of-kin forms must be signed in advance.

The ‘Talk About’ Locker Room: Interview your favorite NFL newsmakers without asking a single question by urging them to “Talk about this team’s focus” or “Take me through that touchdown pass.” Check your score against current sports journalists who have rendered “why,” “what” and “how” obsolete. Points docked for any “Can you speak to …” construction, as technically those end with question marks.

The Leak Lab: Practice the fine art of football deflation with the experts in the field, including a certain New England Patriots locker room attendant. Discover just how much air to take out of a game-ready ball to give your quarterback the gripping edge. Hone your skills in plausible deniability when NFL investigators swoop in.

Unnecessary Roughness: Arborist Adrian Peterson of the Minnesota Vikings takes you on a tour through a tree nursery to find just the right switch to keep the young ones in line.

Unnecessary Ruckus: Dig into the mystery of why NFL referees feel it necessary to explain why every pass thrown away out of bounds by a quarterback being hounded by a rushing lineman isn’t intentional grounding.

Civic Hardball: Sit yourself in the mayor’s chair as owners like Zigi Wulf and Stan Kroenke threaten to move their franchises elsewhere unless you fleece your taxpaying constituents for the millions to erect a new football palace. Feel your re-election hopes being tugged apart by crazy fans who demand an NFL team at any cost and fiscal realists who know how debt service plunders budgets and cripples municipal services.

Urine Trouble: You were out on the town Sunday night, partying with the fellas after the big win, and somebody brought a little something. Now the NFL drug-testers are at your door Sunday morning for a random sample.

Your Lying Eyes: You may think that because you took multiple steps after collecting a pass and that you were reaching for the goal line, you made a football move that resulted in a catch. But you’d be wrong, even if everyone in the country thinks so, too.

The Long Way Home: Take a ride after the clubs close with Aaron Hernandez.

Public Speaking with Ed Hochuli: The NFL’s most loquacious ref reveals how to stretch 5 seconds of air time into miniseries with explanations of infractions and enforcement of the rules that seem to go on and on, without end, stretching into eternity, like a Senate filibuster, or a commencement address, or an English professor’s lecture on “Beowulf.”

Who Do I Look Like, Kojak? Evidence gathering and detective work is no sweat when you do it Roger Goodell-style and surmise that a player’s unconscious wife being dragged out of an elevator probably slipped, even though the player admits to having hit her, and don’t bother to ask for the security tape.

Get Your Angry On: Work up a postgame froth like Richard Sherman or Doug Baldwin and scream at interviewers and journalists for whatever perceived slight you can concoct.

I’m with Marshawn: Look out from your Super Bowl Media podium and see a guy in a cape and tights, another with a half-dozen GoPros attached to his body and a lunatic wearing nothing but a barrel asking you, “Why doesn’t McDonald’s sell hotdogs?”

Cash or credit: By the way, that’ll be $35 for adults and $20 for kids. Because that’s the real NFL Experience – turning your pockets inside out.