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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Dear Mr. Dad: Adult daughter needs to hear Dad say ‘I love you’

Armin Brott Tribune News Service

Dear Mr. Dad: My dad is an engineer and has always looked at the world in a very logical, no-feelings-allowed, Mr. Spock kind of way. I guess that’s just his style. The problem is that I don’t think he’s ever told me that he loves me. He’s always been a great dad, and I have no doubt that he does love me. But as I get older – I’m nearly 30 – I start second-guessing myself, and I really need to hear the words. I tell my kids all the time that I love them. Why won’t he tell me? Do you think he ever will?

A: Whenever I get an email like this, I’m nearly overcome with sadness. It’s tragic that your dad has never told you that he loves you. But I’m encouraged that he’s found other ways to get the point across and that you’ve gotten the nonverbal message. That still leaves your questions. Going in reverse order, yes, I think he will tell you, but it may take a little work on your part. As to why he hasn’t said those three magic words, there are quite a few explanations.

Judging from your age, I’m guessing that your dad is in his mid-50s or older. That puts him at the tail end of a generation in which “real” men didn’t show their feelings very much. Expressing emotions or being in any way in touch with their “feminine” side (I hate that expression) was, well, feminine. If that’s the case with your dad, I’m sure those lessons were passed down to him from his own father, who was most likely a good dad, too. For most men of those generations, being the provider/protector was exactly what it took to be a “good father.” Unfortunately, it was also all that was allowed.

Not expressing feelings doesn’t make them go away. The proof is that, magic words or not, you know that your dad loves you. He may just be embarrassed to put words to the feelings he clearly has and has opted to show you by doing things. I know that might sound crazy to today’s young parents, but that’s a bit of socialization that’s really hard to shake.

It’s also possible that, with his scientific mind, your dad may not even realize that not hearing the words is hurting you. In his mind, expressing love by doing is a lot more important than telling you.

What to do? First, ask yourself when you last told him that you love him? He may have been waiting to hear those words, too. It doesn’t matter who says it first; what’s important is that you’re both aware of each other’s feelings and acknowledge them to each other.

Next, come right out and tell him how much it would mean to you to hear him say that he loves you. He may just mumble an embarrassed “of course I love you, honey.” Or, he may be genuinely surprised when he realizes that, in all those years, he never actually said the words.

Hopefully your dad will become a bit more talkative about his feelings for you – at least for a while. But if he doesn’t, keep in mind that part of being an adult is not only living with disappointments, but also appreciating what we have. You happen to have a dad who’s not very verbal – but whose love isn’t in doubt – and who shows his feelings in a way that truly matters: through his actions. And actions, as we know, sometimes really do speak louder than words.

Read Armin Brott’s blog at DadSoup.com, send email to armin@mrdad.com and follow him on Twitter at @mrdad.