Miss Manners: Hospitality for hostess dinner hard to return

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An out-of-town friend invited my daughter and me to dinner. My daughter’s boyfriend ended up joining us for the trip, and I told my friend of the boyfriend’s addition and gave her the option of withdrawing her offer, as I did not want to invite guests to her party.

My friend said all three of us were welcome. Thinking I would reduce the stress and expense on the hostess, I told her I would bring bread, fruit, wine and dessert.

The hostess did not “hear” my offer. I do not know or care if it was intentional or not, as it was certainly well within her “rights” as hostess to do so. She had a full meal and dessert for us and sent me home with all my “gifts” and the kindest of words.

Since my friend was a true hostess, I am now in a position of having offered her nothing in return for her generosity except my thanks. Circumstances make it unlikely I can ever return her hospitality with dinner at my house. I am not complaining, but want to make it right.

How do I (1) apologize for not allowing her to be a proper hostess in the first instance by trying to supply half the dinner, and (2) thank her for being such a generous and gracious hostess?

GENTLE READER: You write her a letter extolling her graciousness and express the hope that she will visit you in your town. You could also, if you wish, send flowers or a little present.

Miss Manners is just glad that you seem to have learned the lesson that you cannot repay hospitality by usurping it. You meant well, but bringing part of the meal without authorization from the hostess is neither helpful nor flattering.