Annie’s Mailbox: Difficult to retrain husband’s grown kids

Dear Annie: My husband and I married three years ago. He has two adult children, and I have a grown daughter. Our children have good careers and get along well with one another.

My husband and I purchased a nice home when we retired. His son, “Pete,” and his wife and children visit us every summer for three weeks. I think this is too long. They never contribute, take us out for a meal or make us feel appreciated. If we all go out, they expect us to pick up the tab. When they are in town, their friends and family want to come over, and we end up doing a lot of extra entertaining.

What bothers me is their lack of consideration. They treat our home and belongings carelessly. They are terrible slobs. Also, they didn’t acknowledge my 60th birthday. And at Christmas, we shipped presents to Pete’s family. Although we FaceTimed with the grandchildren, who told us how much they loved their presents, the parents made no mention of their gifts, and we never received any thanks from them. In fact, we didn’t even get a Christmas card.

When I bring this up to my husband, he brushes it off. I think there is no excuse for this behavior. I don’t know how to approach this subject without destroying our family bonds. Any suggestions? – Heartsick

Dear Heartsick: We think Pete and his wife have not been taught how to behave properly. And because you are now family, they are comfortable letting you pay for everything. We suspect this was the pattern with Dad long before you entered the picture. But please remember that you are not their mother and cannot expect to retrain them anytime soon. You can certainly say, “I would have loved it if you had sent me a birthday card. It would have meant a great deal to me.” But otherwise, we strongly urge you to let your husband handle his kids. Alienating them will backfire on your marriage.