Carolyn Hax: Apologize to sister about bad-mouthing beau

Dear Carolyn: My sister is 25 and six years my younger. She just moved out of my parents’ house and finally secured a stable job thanks to family connections – meanwhile, my husband and I recently bought a home, are expecting our first child, and are established in our careers.

She started dating a guy my age, her very first boyfriend. She let no one meet him while also not painting the prettiest picture – of his frustrations with her for being late, his drunken emotional rants, etc. Soon after, multiple mutual acquaintances shared warnings, while also letting me know he had been making my sister the butt of jokes.

I made a difficult decision to tell my sister everything I had heard.

Her reaction was shocking. Before hanging up on me, she stated with expletives to stay out of her life. Her boyfriend denied everything.

Parents are now furious with me. Sister and I have attempted to talk, but she gave an ultimatum: Like him or else. My response: I don’t like him but will be perfectly nice to him. She still cannot accept my opinion and continues to wage war using my parents. Did I mention I’m pregnant?

Husband thinks I need to set an example and keep making efforts at peace. But I’m just hurt, angry, and so extremely disappointed in who she is showing herself to be that I just want to move on with our lives sans Sister. Especially with a little one on the way – I don’t want our daughter exposed to this kind of behavior.

Is it reasonable for me to amputate this bad limb and move on? – Sad but Living With It

Amputate? Bad limb? Wow.

Sure, if your plan when your daughter hits a young-adult rough patch (practically redundant) is to cut her loose after she doesn’t follow your maternal advice to your liking.

Yes, you did mention you are pregnant.

And emotionally settled, and responsibly housed, and professionally stabilized.

So I can conclude [ahem] you have the mature perspective to recognize how your idea of protective concern – in trying to save your sister, then in trying to save your unborn child from said sister – could come across to her as the last straw of smugness. Right?

Siblings don’t have the luxury of taking incidents between them out of lifelong context – not if they hope to be fair. However, if you regard this one episode as the last word on who your sister is and will ever be, then you’re being as shortsighted about her as you think she’s being about love.

So I’m with your husband on this one, with a twist: Set an example not for your sister – because any further maternal impulse toward her will be highly inflammatory – but instead for yourself as a parent-to-be. Recognize that you’re not going to be thrilled with every incarnation of someone on the path to full maturity, and learn how to keep yourself at a loving remove as metamorphosis does its work.

And, learn to admit when you’ve overstepped and apologize for it – even when your intentions were good, when your concerns were founded and when apologies owed to you apparently aren’t forthcoming. “I thought you needed to know these things, but I didn’t understand till now that what you needed from me more was to recognize that you can take care of yourself. I am sorry for that.”