Doug Clark: A platinum parachute and a crown for Mielke

I’ve logged a lot of sleepless workdays wondering how we taxpayers can thank Spokane County Commissioner Todd Mielke for all he’s done to us.

Before anything sufficient came to mind, the answer popped up in the newspaper.

“Mielke seeks county CEO post,” read the headline.

Why, of course. What a wonderful reward for the last commissioner (still in office) who gave us the Airway Heights money pit.

Sorry. I meant racetrack.

Let’s look at the facts.

The CEO job pays $160,000 a year, roughly $148K more than what the average Spokane drive-thru window worker makes.

More to the point, the salary’s about 70 grand more than what Mielke earns on the commission. (A guy could barely keep up with his Spokane Club dues on chump commission change.)

Money aside, the heady power is CEO-my-goodness!

The CEO oversees about 2,000 employees, a general budget of $150 million and secret files that include dirt on practically anyone who might cause you trouble.

The three-term Republican commissioner would replace outgoing Marshall Farnell, who has owned the CEO gig since it was safe to drink out of the river.

I wish I could tell you that Mielke’s a lock.

Sadly, things like rules, ethical considerations and better-qualified candidates just might screw up everything.

“I will put my resume up against anyone,” Mielke stated in a news story.

Todd, I’m trying to help here. Let’s not blow this thing with crazy talk.

Anyway, take the committee that will eventually pick the next Spokane County CEO.

It was reported awhile back that two of the seven members had contributed to Mielke campaigns.

I know. Great start, huh?

I have since learned, however, the two contributors have recused themselves from the selection process.

Rats.

Back in the good old days of government, a problem like this could be easily fixed by padding the selection committee with unimpeachable citizens who, as Tony Soprano would say, “know what’s good for them.”

Ever since the RICO Act, alas, shenanigans like this are not so easy to pull off.

Which is why I’ve come to the conclusion that we simply dispense with all the formalities and GIVE TODD THE JOB!

It’s bound to happen anyway.

A political insider I know swears that a “Mielke Approved” rubber stamp was ordered last week from Staples.

It’s only fair when you think about it.

Just about every corporate big shot or Wall Street robber baron has a “golden parachute” that promises a happy ending when the time comes to face indictment or enter Witness Protection.

I look at this CEO thing as Mielke’s platinum parachute.

Lord knows, the man’s paid his dues.

Really. Getting elected over and over again isn’t nearly the slacker’s paradise everyone thinks it is.

Put yourself in the politician’s cloven hoof prints for a moment.

Every few years you have to find enough volunteers to steal your opponent’s campaign signs.

Then you have to kiss babies with dubious diapers and hug old people who smell funny. You have to shake a million hands and eat greasy casseroles at potlucks. You have to wear silly hats and make ridiculous promises that hopefully nobody will recall when you break them six months later.

What do you get if you’re lucky enough to win?

Meetings followed by more meetings followed by …

No wonder Mielke wants to be King of the County (unofficial title).

So let’s get it over with.

We can hold his coronation at the racetrack, of course. Don’t bother making a reservation. Just say the name Mielke and you’ll get right in.

Long live the King!