Doug Clark: Nudity vote nixed, viable voters busy minding own business

In an embarrassing twist of events, the good citizenry of Spokane will not get to vote on public nudity next November.

The naked truth is that nearly half of the 3,320 signatures gathered with the intent to clutter the ballot with a misdemeanor public exposure law have been ruled invalid by the Spokane County Elections Office.

What happened?

Well, some bogus signatures are always easy to spot. You know, names like, Ivana Tinkle, Seymour Butts, I.P. Freely, Oliver Klozoff, Mike Rotch, Anita Bath …

You just have to watch a lot of episodes of “The Simpsons.” Then you’ll immediately identify these names from prank Bart Simpson calls, not registered voters.

According to news reports, nearly a third of the nixed names were from highly offended people who live outside of Spokane or “Spo-Sodom” as the ultra-religious sometimes call it.

Another third of the signatures apparently came from people who regard registering to vote as a Mark of the Beast.

And the remainder probably came from confused people who thought they were signing up for a chance at a free Dyson vacuum.

For the record, I am firmly against public nudity, especially if it occurs while I’m downtown shopping or anywhere near the Clock Tower.

I wasn’t always so sensitive.

I grew up like any other normal Spokane boy who inherited a collection of “Playboy” magazines when his older brother went off to college.

My carefree stance on nudity, however, was altered radically one sunny Sunday back in the 1980s when I drove to Deer Lake to cover (inappropriate word, I know) the Bare Buns Fun Run.

Having never before been to a nudist camp, I was completely unprepared for the sight of a hairy dangling man dressed in only a T-shirt and loafers who was apparently directing traffic.

Somehow I managed to park, only to be gobsmacked by a sight I will never forget: More than a hundred completely naked adult men and women of the varying shapes, wrinkles and overall decay that you’d encounter at a typical Wal-Mart.

Oh, the humanity.

To this day, I have never witnessed a more persuasive argument for the garment industry.

But getting back to our canceled vote on public nudity …

This intended ballot measure had nothing at all to do with the horrifying sight that scarred me so deeply.

The vote was a concerted attack on Spokane’s burgeoning bikini barista biz.

Many easily offended citizens can’t tolerate the notion that women clad only in G-strings and pasties are serving caffeinated java drinks through open windows at drive-thru espresso stands.

I’m not all that wild about the practice either, although not for concerns about moral turpitude.

To me it just boils down to common sense. Having all that jiggling naked flesh working around scalding hot liquids just begs for an extended stay at a burn ward.

Other than that, this attempt to create a public exposure law is a waste of time and money. Plus it’s just plain silly.

Don’t like bikini barista joints?

Don’t patronize them.

Logic, alas, is a fighting word to the easily offended. That’s why I’ve come up with my own proposal designed to make everyone happy.

All we have to do is divide the town into distinct geographic areas of moral inclination.

Coincidentally, the city has already started doing this. Recently signs went up marking “High Prostitution Activity” areas as a way to thoughtfully let visitors know where the best places are to score some action.

I would simply take this idea a step or two further by erecting fences (possibly electric) to contain certain residents in “Highly Offended Zones,” where no more than two inches of breast cleavage* will be allowed to be seen in public.

(*Applies to bikini baristas as well as shirtless geezers out mowing their lawns.)

Normal citizens (meaning people like me) will be free to live in all the unfenced areas identified as “MYOB Zones” after an old Hank Williams Sr. tune that goes …

“Why don’t you mind your business? Mind your own business.

Cause if you mind your own business, then you won’t be mindin’ mine.”