Doug Clark: Clarnak the Magnanimous mystifies with wit and barbs

Greetings to you, my easily impressed minions.

I come to you today not as Doug Clark the handsome columnist, but as Clarnak the Magnanimous, wise seer and solver of life’s most vexing puzzles.

Whenever I feel the spirits move, I don my turban and sequined loincloth and gaze inside my crystal ball to interpret the signs that lurk just beyond the porthole of reality, which is a little east of Athol.

By focusing my extraordinary powers of the paranormal, I will now conjure up answers to 17 of the most important riddles regarding sex, politics and rock ’n’ roll out here in the vast Undone Empire.

So, sit back and prepare to be amazed while Clarnak performs a mental monkey trick that was stolen blatantly from a certain late-great talk show host.

•

RIDDLE 1 – “Why, hello there, Daddy Warbucks.”

CLARNAK: How Spokane Mayor David Condon greets his image in the mirror each morning.

•

RIDDLE 2 – Pullman to Cheney = 3,472 miles.

CLARNAK: Excerpt from ex-Rep. Susan Fagan’s last expense report.

•

RIDDLE 3 – A rat, a gnat and a diseased yak.

CLARNAK: Three candidates more qualified to be Spokane County CEO than Todd Mielke.

•

RIDDLE 4 – Welcome to the 7th Level of Hell.

CLARNAK: Washington state’s new post-drought tourism campaign.

•

RIDDLE 5 – Fifty shades of grayness.

CLARNAK: Describe the aged crowd at Friday night’s Eagles concert.

•

RIDDLE 6 – Waldo. Earhart. Hoffa.

CLARNAK: Three individuals seen more by the public than Spokane police Chief Frank Straub.

•

RIDDLE 7 – The 12th of Never.

CLARNAK: The date George McGrath finally decides to bite his tongue during a Spokane City Council meeting.

•

RIDDLE 8 – The Titanic. The Hindenburg. Pickett’s Charge.

CLARNAK: Historic events that inspired the Shar Lichty run for mayor.

•

RIDDLE 9 – Catering to South Hill rich stiffs at all costs.

CLARNAK: The real reason behind those big, ugly no-parking boulders at Spokane’s scenic Cliff Drive overlook.

•

RIDDLE 10 – Titillated and caffeinated.

CLARNAK: Spokane Councilman Mike Fagan’s obsession with Spokane’s near-naked barista biz.

•

RIDDLE 11 – Lint, breath mints and downtown Republican business hacks.

CLARNAK: Items found inside a Mayor Condon suit pocket.

•

RIDDLE 12 – The Great Dictator.

CLARNAK: Old Charlie Chaplin movie and optional title for Spokane Council President Ben Stuckart.

•

RIDDLE 13 – Giant Palouse albino earthworms.

CLARNAK: Name the only group to endorse Michael J. Noder for Spokane mayor.

•

RIDDLE 14 – Submarine races. Eddie Gaedel’s corpse. A flea circus.

CLARNAK: Things you’ll see in the World Series before the Seattle Mariners.

•

RIDDLE 15 – “Mah toof. I lotht mah latht toof!”

CLARNAK: Statement most commonly overheard from Spokane’s anti-fluoride crowd.

•

RIDDLE 16 – Custer’s Last Stand. The Lusitania. The Donner Party.

CLARNAK: More historic events that inspired the Shar Lichty run for mayor.

•

RIDDLE 17 – Sleaze, disease and a squeeze.

CLARNAK: What awaits those who dare cross the Bridge to Hookerville.