Carolyn Hax: Narcissist in-law hurts husband

Dear Carolyn: My father-in-law is as self-centered as they come. My husband still expects his encounters will be different – his father will help when it’s requested, show interest or support in our family and needs, or express pride in Husband’s accomplishments that don’t impact him.

All I see is Husband constantly being set up for hurt, which is the only thing my father-in-law consistently delivers. There’s no tactful way to point this out, so do I just continue to sit back and watch it happen?

– Not the Optimist

Give tact a chance.

(1) “It breaks my heart to watch you get hurt every time you deal with your father.” You’re speaking for yourself; on the contrary, you’re showing him you have his back.

(2) “I see your trying and trying to get his help or support or approval, and never giving it. Would you say that’s a fair description of what’s happening?” Posing it as a question allows him to come to his own conclusion. If he demonstrates here he’s nowhere near admitting this, then you can drop it and hope you planted a seed.

If he’s still receptive:

(3) “Of course you want these things from him – he’s your dad.” Validation is powerful.

(4) “I’m wondering, though, if he has ever been supportive that way.” This is another seed planted.

If he admits his father has never been a giver:

(5) “It’s OK to stop hoping he’ll become a different person, and accept who he is.” You’re not asking him to quit hoping for a better dad, you’re saying you’ll support him if he decides to on his own.

These are my words where using yours will have more power, but I spelled it out to show you can disagree with him on the way he handles his father while remaining at his side. It’s not tact so much as compassion – which, toward someone you love, is a much easier target to hit.