The Slice: Your Christmas season horoscope

Here’s your Yule Season Zodiac. You better not shout.

In case you are not familiar with the Yule Zodiac, I have provided the birthdays range for each sign.

Fruitcake (March 21-April 19): Your secret admirer waits for you beneath the mistletoe. And now is a good time to adopt a dog or cat from a shelter.

Holly Jolly (April 20-May 20): Proceed with caution as you begin your holiday overspending. And if you feel like caroling, go ahead.

Blitzen (May 21-June 20): If you inhale tinsel, cough it up. And remember, it’s a sign of good luck to find a bird’s nest in your Christmas tree.

Nog (June 21-July 22): Before you trot out that argument again, remember Irving Berlin was not a Christian. And simply yelling “Santa kiss!” does not mean you can take liberties with co-workers.

Hark (July 23-Aug. 22): Rethink your plan to have a Bad Christmas Sweaters party. And if you are going to play a Vince Guaraldi “Peanuts” song on the piano, play it well.

Real Estate (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Expecting a baby? Well, the name “Cindy Lou Who” is taken. And calling people “Elf-face” can hurt feelings.

Red Nose (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You will be a hit at the Christmas party hop. And this could be your year to appear in a set-in-Spokane Hallmark Christmas movie.

Made in China (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You’ll shoot your eye out if you’re not careful. And if your child wants you to overnight the Christmas list to the North Pole, just agree.

Snow Goons (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Kiss her once for Burl Ives. And watch out for the Bumpus hounds.

Pa-rum-pum-pum (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Go easy on the reindeer games. And this is the year for you to be Santa at the office party.

Thumpity (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Remember the expression is not “stalking stuffer.” And prepare for a visit from the Ghost of “Star Wars” Past.

Nutcracker (Feb. 19-March 20): Always tell people when your holiday baked goods feature marijuana. And to all, a good night.

This date in Slice history (1994): Today’s Slice question: If you had magical powers, what would you give Spokane for Christmas?

Today’s Slice question: In what part of the Spokane area would Christmas carolers be in the greatest danger of having homeowners shoot at them?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Nobody is neutral about the Phil Spector Christmas songs.