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Couch Slouch reveal hiddens truths in NFL

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On any given Sunday, there are fascinating truths in pro football that are hidden in plain sight. Couch Slouch, despite failed Lasik surgery in 1999, still has 20-20 NFL vision; alas, my tired eyes have seen enough:

When Von Miller celebrates a sack, I’m thinking Hustler before I’m thinking Sports Illustrated. Somehow, the Broncos linebacker’s post-tackle groove has morphed from performance art to pornographic act; it’s not a sack dance, it’s a hump dance. It involves a pelvic thrust, and when he’s finished the frolic, I feel like I’ve just watched “Last Tango in Paris,” minus the butter.

Heck, the next time the Broncos play, it might be the first NFL game ever rated NC-17.

Am I saying Miller’s erotic sway is sexually suggestive? Madonna on stage in a garter belt singing “Burning Up” is sexually suggestive. Miller’s sack dance is beyond sexually suggestive – he appears to be having unprotected intercourse at midfield, which, back in the day, would draw a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty.

Speaking of which, the NFL fines players for everything, benign stuff like wearing your socks too low; last week the Bears’ Martellus Bennett was docked for wearing cleats that “were too black.” The league once fined Randy Moss $10,000 for pretending to moon the crowd at a Vikings-Packers game.

Uh, if it’s 10 grand to pretend to drop your pants, how is it not 15 grand to pretend to drop your pants and copulate? Just sayin’.

In a world full of sore elbows, Dr. James Andrews is always on call. He is the so-called orthopedic surgeon to the stars; this season alone, Drew Brees, Eli Manning and Johnny Manziel have used his services. He’s performed more than 40,000 surgeries – count me as cautious, but shouldn’t there be an equivalent of a “pitch count” for these damaged-ligament Lotharios?

Besides, this guy’s out of the country half of the time – probably advising English Premier League strikers on foot fungus – plus, are you trying to tell me there are NO OTHER QUALIFIED ORTHOPEDIC SURGEONS in this entire nation?

Incidentally, I don’t believe RGIII has won a game since first stepping gingerly into Dr. Andrews’ SRO waiting room 34 months ago.

Which reminds me: Andrews is actually the Washington R-dsk-ns’ team doctor. If that’s the case, why would he be treating Eagles linebacker Kiko Alonso last week? Am I the only person west of Trey Wingo who sees this as a conflict of interest? I mean, he’s on the R-dsk-ns’ payroll. If the Cowboys’ Tony Romo comes to the good doctor with a sinus infection, why wouldn’t Andrews tell him he has an appendicitis, bursitis and arthritis, and advise Tommy John surgery to sideline him for 15 months? This is insane.

P.S. I’m no political expert, but I swear as I stand here that all this James-Andrews-is-an-orthopedic-monopolistic-monster business is an offshoot of Obamacare.

I guess this is a trick question: When is a catch a catch? Last week the Bengals’ Tyler Eifert caught a pass, got his feet down, got hit as he turned toward the end zone, got his feet down again and stretched over the goal line before the ball was knocked away after it hit a defender’s leg. The catch was ruled not a catch.

In defense of the officials, the NFL’s definition of a catch keeps changing. Here, verbatim, from the NFL rulebook, is Rule 8, Section 1, Article 3 in regard to a completed pass:

“A forward pass is complete if a player secures control of the ball prior to the ball touching the ground, with both feet inbounds, then maintains control of the ball after his initial contact with the ground for a period not to exceed 45 seconds or until the game has been declared over or until he has no pulse, whichever comes first.”

A few years back, I recall Calvin Johnson catching a deep post route just beyond the goal line, then he ran through the end zone, jumped into the Ford Field stands and, while handing the ball to a 6-year-old spectator, dropped it. It was ruled incomplete.

To the NFL’s way of thinking, when a customer buys a quart of milk, he must walk out of the market, drive home, place the carton in the fridge and fall asleep in his bed before the purchase is complete.

As a final, supreme word on this matter, let me quote ex-official Potter Stewart – who, I believe, worked NFL games from 1957 to 1981 – when asked what constitutes a catch:

“I know it when I see it.”

Ask The Slouch

Q. Were you as “shocked” as Rick Pitino about allegations of escorts paid to have sex with Louisville players? (Dan Kirkland; Chicago)

A. When I was recruited by Louisville, they only offered to waive fines for overdue library books.

Q. Considering its popularity, why wouldn’t the NFL play a 162-game season like baseball does? (M.J. McDowell; Huntington, W.Va.)

A. The league is already stretched to its limits in finding competent chain-gang crew members.

Q. If the Mets only win their division when Hell freezes over, can I stop worrying about global warming? (Kevin O’Dell; Ballston Spa, N.Y.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!


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